Day 40 – a dip in the road

Thursday 23rd August

I don’t want to get up today, actually I don’t want to even wake up today. I want to dream of the possibilities my life holds, that isn’t as dark as being here in the here and now. I am meant to be meeting Steph for brunch but I just can bring myself to go. I have been awake since around 5.30am feeling anxious about going, I also feel sick like pit of stomach kind of sick.

James wakes up and I tell him I don’t want to get up and I don’t feel well, he gives me a little “oh no”. He has accepted now that some times I just don’t want to get up, he just asks if I need anything. To be fair on myself, it’s been nearly a week since I didn’t want to get up, and that was the morning that we had Findley’s meeting.

Am not sure how I will cope when he goes away for work next week, I know I will have to get up for the dogs, but I wonder who will look after me. There isn’t anything quit like your husband taking care of you. I know I have lots of offers of help, but this journey seems to be James and I do travel together. I feel like he just gets me and how I am feeling. Although I had a dream last night I annoyed him in a car park and then we had a fight because I was being bossy, when. I woke up he had his arm round me and I just pulled him tighter round me. The though of arguing with him just make me feel like I wouldn’t survive.

I can’t even explain how I feel now a days, it’s not numb, it’s not sad, it’s like I live in a parallel universe to everyone else. I want so bad to just be in the future, a time where I have managed to find a way to deal with the pain better, have figured out the new normal in my life, and have figured out why this all happened to us, and why my baby boy isn’t here. I know the future holds much happiness for us, we just have to almost ride the storm till we get there.

I lay thinking of Findley he had the most gorgeous eye lashes like me, and a little button noses just like his daddy. I look at James some times and see our little boy. I remember being in the hospital after Findley was born, James has him in his arms, I kept looking down at him then up at James and though how much Findley looked like his dad.

I really do hate hormones right now. Never mind dealing with the loss of a child but also having to deal with the post baby hormones and then dealing with your hormones trying to come back into some sort of normal alignment. I want nothing more than feel normal again. But what is normal?

The need to have more children is completely consuming, I don’t know if I should write this on here, I fear people will judge me. My research shows me that 50-80% of women who suffer still birth go on to have deliver another baby 12-18 months. If people judge me then that’s their problem not mine. No one knows how this journey feels unless your standing in my shoes.

I went to see the horses again today, they are such a trigger every time I see them I just have a complete emotional break down afterwards, and I can’t tell you why. I don’t known if it’s because they used to be my happy go to place and now all they do is remind me of what I have lost? I guess it just have to keep doing what’s right for me, for us.

Choc popped round with Myla this afternoon, she brought us a beautiful present. Sometimes the smallest act of kindness makes such a big difference. Myla is such a bundle of smiles and giggles it’s hard not to smile around her. I know tomorrow will be a brighter day.