Day 41 – Stuck in the funk

Friday 24th August

It was around 3 am before I got to sleep this morning. I asked Findley to help me relax and recharge. As soon as I did I felt an instant calmness over me. I was trying really hard to focus on happy places trying to get to sleep, but kept circle round in the What ifs! My subconscious mind is a form of torture.

I can imagine some people being like you 41 days into this journey, how are you not able to move forward. I wish it was as easy. I think secretly I am terrified of James leaving me tomorrow morning for work in the Middle East. I spent last night looking at flights to Australia not that I have the money to go. It’s just a way in which I can escape by dreaming. Ifs always somewhere I have wanted to go.

I know deep down I am worried about being alone, I was never meant to be alone again. I should be worrying how I will cope with a 6 week old baby when he’s away, not how I will cope with having to get my own food in. I feel pathetic.

I know James going away will really force me to get into a routine I will have to get out of bed and have to walk my beautiful puppies. I haven’t been out for a walk with them for a while now. Mainly because I have either been off out to meet someone or out on my bike. I guess in some way that’s a positive.

I said to James yesterday I am still really struggling to see myself truly happy again, I know I will be I know it will sneak up on me when I least expect it. I was so happy when I was pregnant. It’s just trying to deal with your dreams being shattered and your heart being broken

I am meant to meet Alison today and again I have cancelled it. I just can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything. I don’t want to make small talk with people, I am completely unmotivated.

I feel like I was doing really well, cooking dinners from scratch, getting out and about meeting people, pampering myself, but I am just stuck in this funk. I know that James has to go away for work, and it wasn’t ever going to be easy him going away for the first time, this will be the hardest first we have faced so far. I really hope tomorrow bring me a brighter stronger day.

I ordered myself a unicorn Knitting kit off amazon, i though I would like to start making some stuff in my spear time. I feel like I need to find something things to focus on for the next year to come. I can’t spend if lying around watching nextflix and feeling sorry for myself.

This is the complete opposite for what is my normal, which is why I think my friend and family are finding it so unsettling.

Once I was up and Jame heading off to pick up shopping, I had breakfast/lunch took Rosie out for a spin, she has a sore leg so only getting small walks. After that I decided I will get out on my bike again. So off I went I managed 13ish miles alone. I though it would clear my head and give me time to think. It did, kind of, if I allow myself the time. I had a wee chat with Findley as I cycle round too, I told him his much I loved him, and asked if he would look after his daddy and me. I am a totally spiritual person so I know he will guide us too in the future. I also chat about hoping one day he can see what amazing parents we are and how we would have looked after him.

I think Rach is right I am being To hard on myself and expecting to much of myself. I l keep saying I have to let myself be, but I seriously do, I keep thinking what people will think of me if then know I spent most of my day watching Netflix and googling PAL. Well you know what if I want to spend a day chilling out with my puppies watching Netflix I just will. If I write this I might actually do it, because I just can’t do nothing, and if I do I then feel guilty for wasting a day. I keep thinking Findley must not be with me for a reason, and he wouldn’t want me to waste my time. However maybe it’s okay to just repair and relax. I just don’t know anymore.Mum came round today, I can see her hurting still. She worried about me and how I am coping and I know she just want to take my pain away. I know she can’t this is my journey and only I can really survive it. I understand why she is so worried. Being a mum now I understand that unconditional love for your children, and how you would do anything to take their their pain away. I would give anything to for Findley to be here.

I spent the afternoon chatting with James, I always feel better once I have spoken to him about how I am feeling. We have always been honest about how we feel through this journey so far. It really does make me realise how lucky I am to have such an amazing husband.

Today someone on the sands forum asked about animals having still births, and I remember about Roxy loosing her two foals in the space of a few years. She has had four babies and only two survived. Boo (bailey) and Romeo. I mourned the loss of her babies but I never once stopped to think how she must have felt not having her babies with her. I guess at the time I thought about it as the circle of life, however for some reason I can’t accept what happened to us as part of that circle of life. I don’t know how much difference there really is between the two situations. She carried her babies for 11months, she grew them, she felt them move she fed them and cared for them unconditionally. I feel bad for not thinking about how it might have affected Roxy.

I normally love rollercoasters but I am struggling with this rollercoaster I call a life’s