Day 42 – anchors away

Saturday 25th August

As a lay looking at my husband sleeping next to me, I can’t help but see my baby boys cute little button nose. It catches my breath as I try hard not to let the waves crash over me. So beautiful and perfect, just like our little boy.

The day has has arrived James is off too work in the Middle East today. I am happy that one of his good friends is also on the same job as him, so I know he won’t be alone. I however have never felt so alone in my life. I feel like I have been transported back to the night we found out Findley had died. My heart breaking all over again. I know this is the nature of the game and my husbands job involves him working away. No matter when this first happens it’s was always going to be one of the harder first to cope with.

I wonder how I will survive without my anchor here, who will hold me when I cry, tell me everything is going to be okay? Who will cuddle me until I fall asleep. Who will keep me safe from my nightmares. Who will give me the courage I need to survive this storm. It has always been him and me against the world. Now it will just be me.

I feel bad as I know he has to go away to work and it’s not his choice. As I cuddle into him for the last time for What I feel like will be forever I just keep repeating in my head, please don’t go, please don’t leave me. This however is pure selfish, my feelings are all about how I feel and how I don’t think I will cope. It’s pure fear of the unknown.

As I write this I know how silly I must sound, people will be thinking come on now he’s not packed his bad and leaving you for ever. No your right he’s not. However I think it’s import to understand how much my husband has supported me through this journey so far. I some time wonder if I would even be here without him. I think back to the really dark first few day of this journey, as we lay in bed, Findley still in my tummy as I cried and screaming as my heart broke for our little boy, and James arms around me holding me so tight. Reminding me What an amazing mummy I am to our little boy, how I couldn’t have done any more to protect him than I did. How I tried with all my heart to bring him safely into this world. That I did not fail him.

I hope in the weeks or days to come I look back at this and realise how far I have actually come. The second you know where you are you are lost. I though I was doing well down this road. But the past two days and today I have seen myself stop in my tracks.

Once James has left I lay in bed with the dogs, I can still smell his aftershave in the air, and on me. It gives me some sort of reassurance. I know he’s worried about me, I feel so bad for making him worry. I really wanted to stay strong for him. I think the worst thing is I have no real idea when he will be home. That’s the worst about his job it could be Friday it could be four weeks time. I am complete fearful of the unknown, and the things that are out of my control.

I know I seriously need to get myself together I feel terrible it’s late and the dog still haven’t had a walk yet, but that they care, all they want is my company. I feel success that I have managed to get up, showered and dressed. I even made myself lunch. I still and watch Netflix for a while it’s raining and windy. I just need to let myself be. I know I need to go out and get some fresh air.

I thought getting out would help my mood but it’s doesn’t really. Mum came round to ask if I want company to walk the dog but I don’t I just want to let myself be today, I don’t need people trying to make me feel better or say they words they think I should here.

As I walk the dogs a white butterfly appears and seems to follow me as I walk. A symbol of spirts. I take some time to enjoy the world in its beauty.

I miss Findley more than ever today he should be here to keep me company when his daddy is away working. People keep saying to me your the bravest person I know. I don’t understand why they say this, I feel anything but brave. I am scared of the future and the past and the present. I am scared for what might be and what is. I am scared of being alone, at the same time as scared of being in company of others. Today is as scary as the day I found out my baby had died, why because my husband isn’t here I am without my rock, my anchor my soulmate. The man who gives me confidence and makes me believe everything and anything is possible in this life.

My beautiful baby boy, I know your with me always. My two true loves of this life xx