Day 43 – love is pain

Sunday 26th August

Love can leave memories that no one can steal, but love can also leave a pain that no one can heal! I love my little boy more than I have loved anything in this world. I would agree that no one will ever heal the pain losing him has left.

I didn’t want to go to sleep last night, I was to scared of waking up and not having James here. Then I remember I have this little cuddle munchkin to spoon. When James is away she sleep on the bed with me , she loves to cuddle right into me too! Robbie is the protector he makes sure no one get in without me knowing! It’s been a long time since I have been alone, for the a good long time I had Findley’s company, or peanut, as he was known when he was still in my belly.

it’s funny every time someone tells me they are thinking of me, I get upset, I think it’s part of acceptance. I don’t want to accept what has happened to our family. I want to just carry on pretending that my heart hasn’t been ripped from my chest. how do you face the reality when it’s so easy to pretend it didn’t happen?

I said yesterday I don’t even feel like I have even been pregnant, I guess that’s a good thing physically healing wise, but for my brain it’s probably not such a good thing. I could go back 12 months to when James and I could only dream of our family. Before Findley was even a conceived. Relive the last year, change the ending?

People say to me that there is no happy ever after without the fight first, look at Snow White, and sleeping beauty, never mind even thinking about poor Cinderella who had to put up with the slave labour, for years before she got her happy ever after. Then I look around at all the people I know, and not for even a second would I not wish them their happyness, but from the outside it would appear they got their happy ever after with out so much hurt and pain. All these saying people made up must be for a reason? I mean there must be more heart ache out there than people care to share? It comes back to what I said the other day about people pretending their life is amazing, and only sharing the good things that happen in their life, and not the bad. That false pretence that social media offers.

I said to James the other night, one born every minute never shows the heartache that can accompany birth, I understand that many people wouldn’t be willing to film it but I would happily speak about what happened and our journey . No one want to associate birth with death. It’s life out of order. However then I feel like we as a world are painting the wrong picture, there is a stigma that accompanies loss of a baby prior to birth. It happens, it happens every day across the world, families hearts being broken. However why do I feel that their is something attached to it that means it’s not a normal thing to happen. It’s a horrible things to happen, it’s heart breaking and life distorting, but there are so many people out there sharing their stories of hurt and pain and joy. Why in this world do we want to skip over then bad?

People don’t realise that just because our babies have died, doesn’t mean we still don’t think of them and their future, that first cry, that first feed, their first step, their first word, their first best friend, their first sleepover. I still think of all these just because they are stollen moment, it won’t stop me thinking of the amazing life my little boy would have had.

Today I feel has been a better day, I managed to get out of bed without to much encouragement, I fed all the house hold pets and even went for a walk with Zandra and then dogs followed by lunch. Winner!

well so I though until for the first time in this journey I had to leave a situation quickly as fear stuck me. Sitting having just finished lunch one of the girls from my antenatal class walked past our table, she didn’t see me, she’s due in September so still heavily pregnant. I was scared she would turn and see me so I just said I have to go and left, Zandra completely understood. I was so scared that for the first time I wasn’t in control and this person who I hardly know, and to be honestly i hasn’t really connected with, might ask me where my baby was. For a second my heart skipped a beat, it wasn’t a wave of emotion, seeing her didn’t upset me. It was the fact I didn’t want to explain myself . I don’t even known if that makes sense.

I love spending time with, Zandra, I think James is probably really glad to hear I have been with her to. She is Findley’s godmother, and means the world to us both, she supported me throughout my pregnancy, she got all the bump photos, the kick videos and the pregnancy stories. I know she would have loved findley as if he were her own. Is so nice to have her company as I can speak to her as frankly and openly as I speak to James. I know she hurts for his loss, it has had a big impact on her life as well, I know Findley will look after her and guide her, as she would have him.

I went for a bike run after lunch with Dawn, “get fit for a Findley” is well underway. I cycled out to meet her at her place, as I stop I un clip one foot and start to chat, I all of a sudden lost my balance and fell to the side, that my foot was still clipped in. I knew this would happen sooner or later. I found it kinda funny as it was very slow motion. Dawn peeled my bike off me and I dusted myself off before We head off on our bike run, and before we are even one mile in, I find myself lying on the grass verge bike on top of my again. Little did I know when I had fallen stationery it has damaged my gears, and as I had changed into a lower gear it had broken off and caught in my back wheel, needless to say there was no saving myself. We have to walk back, my bike was royal broken, I don’t know how much I listen to dawn, I feel so silly having fallen off twice, and I tell her jokingly her drive is unlucky. I realise looking back for the first time in a very long time, my feelings where nothing to do with Findley. Although I joked later when I went to visit Choc and Billy I swear Findley gave me a nudge when I was standing there in foot still clipped in, I know he would have had my wicked sense of humour. I feel strong that this happened to me today and it didn’t result in a total melt down. I don’t think I completely coped with it, as I would have normally, finding myself having to tell Choc straight what has happened, but that fact I didn’t just lie there and cry I think is a good sign.

I heading to Choc and Billy’s after Dawn has dropped me and my bike back home, lucky to have such amazing friends. Billy is going to have a bash at fixing my bike. I head up to drop it off. It’s nice to see them, they are such a fab couple. The Kind of people who would do anything for anyone, then when people are kind to them they can’t believe how lucky they are. Choc pops Myla in her rocking horse she got for her birthday, and I feel my heart ache a little, again it’s not jealousy it’s for what I have lost. I had bought Findley a little rocking horse, it still sits up stairs in the nursery. Mylas face says it all she loves her horse. I pick her up and start to tickle and interacting with her, all of a sudden a wave hits me and I can’t turn the tears off. I had said to Zandra early do you ever just feel like your sitting constantly struggling not to cry? I think I could just cry all day if I let myself. I can’t tell you why I am crying, I think it’s because as I interact with Myla she starts giggling like in only a baby can , and I realise I will never hear my son giggle like this. It’s a short lived wave, as Myla smile helps me to get above them again. I just give her a big cuddle.

These moment are always going to catch me off guard. I could hide, I could avoid triggers, avoid my friends with babies, avoid pregnant women. I don’t want to, the pain I feel is a natural, it’s grief. I read something yesterday that said you can’t cheat grief. God don’t I know this, there is no avoiding the pain that losing someone you love leaves in your heart, and the others around your. It really is just weathering the storm, and trying to find a safe passage. I feel lucky to have some amazing people in my life to help guide me through this storm. I know they stand beside me, all hurting in their own way. The hurt will never leave us, but together we will find a way to live again.