Day 44 – A better day..

Monday 27th August

I am anxious this morning, I feel sick, dizzy and lost. I have my first Pilates with Claire since Findley was born today. I went every week during my pregnancy from week 16 due to pelvis issues, right up until I was 34ish weeks. Am not sure how I feel about going back. I feel slight lost this morning, not sure where I am in this journey. Wishing, hoping, praying. I really want life to be the same as it was before.

I managed to get up dressed and walk the dogs before heading to claire. I remember not so many weeks ago I couldn’t even bring myself to wake up in the morning. Am not going to lie every part of me wanted to just text Claire and say I wasn’t coming, but I knew I wouldn’t find any motivation for the day if I did that.

I text James saying how am feeling and tells me I will be okay. He’s right everything will be okay, I just have to let things happen. The first thing Claire asks is how i am, well from barely holding it together to full on ugly crying in 0.10seconds, my cry erupts with such force that I feel showed Claire with my bodily fluids. She grabs me and gives me an hug, I hear myself saying over and over again, I am okay. I know I am okay! Once I pull my self together I start to chat normally to Claire and really enjoy my session, I don’t think am going to get away with so much moaning how hard it is now am not pregnant. It’s nice to chat to Claire about Findley too, she’s like my own Pilates therapist. I feel refreshed like I have had a good work out and am refreshed and energised afterwords.

I head home and feel like I can get some stuff done, I change the bed and do some washing and stick the dish washer on. #winning. I spend the afternoon relaxing before heading to do the horses, James FaceTimes me and it’s nice to get a proper chat and get to see his face . I am really missing his company and level headness. I also am missing how much he looks after me. I am truly spoilt, I appreciate this so much more now a days .

I don’t really want to go and do the horses am totally putting it off. Am busy texting Zandra and she say she will come with me. That’s solid it for me, I can manage anything with super women by my side. We head up and I let the dogs run about as we set about feeding the horses. I know in my heart I really don’t want to be there. I still can’t tell you why, but I feel so disconnected from them all. I still like having a cuddle and getting some kisses from them but I am distant. I think it’s going to probably take Mum telling me that Roxy is in the lorry and she heading for a hack before I even consider getting back on. Almost forcing my hand, but I also think that I am not in a place to have my hand forced just now and that may back fire.

Once I head home I get a message from my friend saying she has had her little girl. Am so glad she has had a little girl, and am glad she has arrived safely, she hasn’t had an easy pregnancy and again this is her rainbow baby. I am so truly happy for her. But Reading her message bring back that feeling again of What is missing from my life. What we didn’t get to share with Findley, the hurt is so deep down. I feel my eyes filling with tears but it’s not a wave. It’s just pure sadness of what could have been.

Once I get in the house I feel all consumed with the sadness, the loss the empty feeling. I text Racheal and James, I feel so totally lost, and am struggling to understand why I have to go through this pain. It a a dark though if why am I here! That line again – you can’t cheat grief and I need to ride out the storm. It’s such a bumpy ride, James reminds me not to rush things and just do things at my own pace. I I will there is a small element that I feel I have to be a certain way then I remind myself that this is the only time in my life I can be truly selfish. My friend will either accept it and ride the storm with me, or pull away.

Dawn and me are also messaging back and forth and she says something to me that hits home, that I had totally forgotten, in the mist of all the pain. How much I have achieved in the last few years, how strong and determined a person I really am, it might not feel like that just now, under the hurt and pain I still survive, trying to dig my way out from beneath the rubble. My life collapsed in me that evening 44 days ago, I know I will eventually dig my way out. I am strong, I am me!

Mum also came round tonight for tea, it was really nice to have some normal mother daughter time, she taught me how to knit tonight. I originally wanted to knit my unicorn teddy but it turns out it’s really complicated and possible an objective to set myself for the end of the year. I am instead knitting a blanket for the next baby law. Well this is my current plan I might get board and end up with something different, but am proud of how well I manage, and how patient Mum and I are with each other. It also really nice to have something to occupy my hands and my brain, although the I do wonder how long before I give in, the colouring in didn’t last long.

It’s strange how fast your brain can go form the darkest of place to the brightest of places in a short space of time. I really do need to keep myself entertained, but then I feel guilty for carrying on my normal life whilst my sons ashes sit in my house. It all just so not right in any shape or form. Each day this journey get easier, I can best describe it as tight rope walking, and it’s very easy to lose your balance fall off the rope, but as long as I allow my friends and family to be there to catch me, I have one of the biggest and best safety nets. I know I fall often, and that I will have to climb back up and start again, but one day I know I will reach the other side.