Day 45 – merry go round

Tuesday 28th August

I did not chose this pathway! I do not want to be down this road. The pain is unbearable. It’s really wearing me down this week. I want to wake up and and not be sad. How long before the pain subsides. I know that James being away has really hit me hard this week and it’s only been three days and two nights. It feels like a life time. I have a fabulous support network around me, but their not my husband, he knows me like no one else and just knows what to say to me, or just not to say anything.

It’s 6 weeks since Findley was born, where has the time gone. I keep wishing my life away just now, I remember wishing July was over, and now we are nearly at the end of August.

I find myself feeling very hard done by today, I took the dogs for a walk this morning and stood at the top of the hill and just screamed! Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but why does everyone else have their beautiful babies and I don’t have mine? I don’t understand what I did wrong. I think am a little bit angry about it all too.

I feel like I have cried more in the past 3 days than I have since Findley’s celebration, I feel so weak and completely unable to control my emotions. I had acupuncture again today, and hopped that I would feel a bit better after words, however I can honestly say I just feel as I did before I went. I think am exhausted and stuck on this merry go round where I go to bed and wake up and still feel as I did the day before.

Val and James both told me today that I have to give myself time. That I and expect to feel better already, this is a trauma that will take a long to recover from. I am such an inpatient person, I don’t want to ever forget about my perfect son, I just want it to hurt a little less each day.

Mum came round to help with my knitting this afternoon, she keeps asking me if I want to do things, the problem still remains that I don’t really want to do anything. I just want to some times just sit. I did get some knitting done today and I say I might make some Christmas present, I will be the women who make all her Christmas present. Mum thinks I have an issue with knitting as it’s for old people. No my issue is that I should be able to learn how to knit I should be looking after a 6 week old baby.

I am however proud of my of my knitting today. I guess it’s good it occupies my mind.

Mum dropped of a present for me today a rainbow catcher, What lovely gift and so thoughtful. I hope that it will catch us some rainbows after the storm has passed.

Last night was the first time I could bring myself to watch some videos from the night Findley was born. One of them is James and me dressing our precious boy, I watched it with tears in my eyes but not because it’s sad that I am dressing my dead baby, because I can hear the love in everyone voice, I can see me being a mother to him, speaking away in only the way a mother speak to their son. Such precious memories, such a life changing night.

I pray that tomorrow will be a better day, I don’t even think I can do anything to make it better. I have complete accepted that I can’t change anything that happened, but I still don’t understand why I don’t have my little boy, the Universe is cruel.

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