Day 46 – who am I?

Wednesday 29th August

I am still awake at 1am, my brain is going a million miles an hour, and I have had a complete meltdown before going to bed. I am really glad to have Jodie to talk to, another angel Mum from Australia. She’s online and complete understands my meltdown.

I posted a selfie onto the sands forum to introduce myself, I used a selfie from when I was still pregnant. I looked at the photo and see the happiness and smile and the dreams in my face and I just get hit by a massive wave. I wonder if I will ever be that happy again? Who am I now? Who am I going to become. I realise how much confidence loosing Findley has take from me. I wasn’t an overly confident person but I am now this anxious person who fears even going to Tesco. I also realise just how much confidence I get from James and him being around me, and supporting me. Although I knew this to a point I didn’t realise how much. Since meeting James I have achieved more in my life that I ever dreamed. My weight loss, my job, my running, my Eventing and then our beautiful baby boy. I realise that without him here i feel even more lost because he is literally the other half of me.

I keep thinking I can’t see myself happy again until I have my rainbow baby in my arms, but that a hell of a pressure to put on myself . Don’t get me wrong I am very positive about our future but I can’t say that, having more family will be the only time I see myself happy again. I was a very happy person before I was pregnant, so my life was good and full and happy. It’s just this wall in front of me that’s stopping me being able to peer over to see the future. When I look back I can’t see back past being pregnant, it’s almost a year from first realising I was pregnant Until now, and not a year I would ever change, I loved being pregnant. My pregnancy was relatively easy compared to some, and even though it ended in such sadness, I still have a beautiful son, who is always watching out for me. I can’t not wait to travel that journey again, but realistically it’s not going for to be any time soon, and can’t be the next time I am happy.

I think I realise I can’t look very far ahead just now, I have to live each day at a time, I have to allow myself to grieve, to cry, to scream. If I don’t then I won’t recover from this. I have been trying to find a new normality but actually I think I have to let my new normality find me. I can’t force it, as forcing it take to much energy and also I may be forcing myself down the wrong road.

I keep saying I have to be kind to myself but I am not following my own advice. I think I can’t rest and recover I have to keep going and do things, what will people think if I am still in my pjs at 12 noon, get up get dressed. However today I was like screw it, am sleeping as long as I want to and I will get up when I want to. I woke early but I spent a good few hours watching films in bed with the dogs, and I feel good from it. I eventually get up and make myself lunch, do some knitting and walk the dogs, but on my terms at my speed when I want to. Grief is emotionally exhausting and being strong from others will not help me through this journey. However I do feel really good for just taking today as I wanted to.

When I was out walking to dog Mum called me and I try calling her back but she didn’t answer. For some reason I remember the night I called her about Findley and I try to remember what I said to her. I don’t know why I am thinking about the night I told her Findley has died. It’s strange that this is at the front of my mind. I wonder if I have been in some sort of shock and it’s starting to wear off. Who knows, it’s makes me sad but it doesn’t make me cry, or angry. I don’t know if I am reminding myself that Findley is dead?

Aileen came to visit tonight and it’s nice to chat about Findley with her and the future, not just my future he future too. I don’t ever want to stop speaking about Findley and I think speaking about him every day keeps me level.

It’s is absolutely unfair that life is not how I had planned it, but I can’t sulk and hope I get what I want. In a world where we are so used to getting everything we want, this is something I can’t change. No money, or knowing then correct people will change what happened. I am so strong I would normally battle to archive what I want to. However I can’t now I have to believe that What is for me won’t pass me by. I have to believe I will find myself again. Until then I continue to dream and wish, and I will never stop.

Findley my baby boy please guide me to happiness xx