Day 47 – Anxious

Thursday 30th August

I slept not to bad last night, I have my therapist today so I am up at a decent time to go to my appointment, followed by meeting Steph for lunch. I am really anxious about meeting her. We have a plan A but if it fails then we can rethink.

For some reason I feel really anxious again today. It’s a horrible feeling, it sits at the pit of your stomach, making your mind race. I don’t know how many people reading this suffer from anxiety but it certainly hadn’t experienced anything like this till now. The fear of being in a public place, especially one that you don’t know, I need to know all escape routes. The fear of seeing people I know, out of my own comfort zone. It makes me want to just climb back into bed and pull the covers over me. The thing is I know it’s me who’s making a big deal out of it all, but anyone else. I know it’s me who worried about how people will look at me and speak to me. People will just do their best to comfort and support me.

I used to be this person who wouldn’t even go to work without my make up on, not because I cared what people said but because I took pride in how I looked. Now I find self not having the motivation to even put mascara on. In face I haven’t had my make up on in 5 weeks since Findley’s celebration. I wonder if I took the time to do it if I would feel better in myself. I think it’s such a waste of time.

It’s my brothers birthday next week and he has invited me out for tea on Saturday, I originally agreed to go out as I though James would be home. However he won’t be, and I don’t know how confident I am to venture out without my rock. I know my family will be there, I think am scared I start to get upset and have no where to hide. Then I think I am stopping myself from living. I need to live my life. Then it comes back to what I said yesterday, I need to stop forcing myself into these situations because I think it’s the right thing to do, and let them just happen. My brother is very understanding of how I am coping with the loss of his nephew , I I know he won’t mind if I don’t manage to go along in Saturday.

I already feel bad enough that my mum, Steph, Donna and some friends are completing a run on Saturday in honour of my beautiful baby, an I am not going to support them.

I am so fed up of trying to survive each day and not just living my life, but I have no idea how to live my life now. Some days I feel strong there others. Rach says to me that eventually without me realising it will happen. I guess looking back to the first few days we did live hour by hour, but how long before day by day subsides?

I realise that I am not the only person in the world grieving right now for the loss of a life, I find it grounds me to remind myself that this just didn’t happen to me, it happens to lots of people on a daily basis, that’s the nature of life. There will be 1000s of people across the world wondering why did this happen to them today. I guess it doesn’t take the pain away though.

I read a study the other day on the affect of holding a stillborn baby had on mother’s versus not, the study suggested that mums who hold their baby would take longer to recover from the trauma, versus this who do not. I just struggle to understand giving up the opportunity to love and cuddle my baby. To kiss him on the forehead and get to know his little face. You can’t cheat grief you can only ride the storm. The human brain really baffles me. Then unlimited imagination we are allow to have, the dreams, the wishes.

I am walking my dogs as I write this and I realise I keep doing this, when I am out of the house I try and keep myself engaged on my phone, I guess it might be incase I see someone, I get away with ignoring them and staying in my little bubble if I am on my phone. I guess it’s a sorry not sorry!

I feel the need to constantly protect myself from things that might hurt me. I think that this is okay.

I managed to meet Steph for lunch but before that I had my therapist, I spoke about being anxious for Meeting Steph and being unable to find a safe place in Inverurie. She asked me why Fennel wasn’t a safe place. I had to think for a minute, then I realise the last time we went there was after my 37 weeks scan, as I ate my lunch with James, my baby was already dying inside me. Wow! That hurts, I didn’t even realise I though this until I was asked. The guilt of carrying on with my life as my baby was starved if nutrients. I can’t change any of it, but there is obviously underlining subconscious guilt there. A Mum always looks out for their baby!

So there is a trigger, and I am surrounded by them, so yes I will protect myself, I am not ready to deal with it all yet, so I am important and I will put myself first.