Day 48- Dear Findley

Friday 31st August

To my Gorgeous baby boy, I miss you very much. I know it’s not been very long since your little heart stop beating inside my tummy. There isn’t a day that goes past where I don’t think about you. Your the first person in my mind every morning and the last person at night.

I really do hope that you know how much love mummy and daddy both have for you. I tired so hard to look after you inside my tummy, I am so sorry I failed you. I hope you heard me speak to you every day right from when we first realised you were there. Your nickname wasn’t meant to stick as much as it did, but I couldn’t cope with calling you it, so peanut it was. I hope that you didn’t suffer and that you just fell asleep knowing how loved you are, listening to my heart beating next to you.

I remember the first time I saw you on the black and white ultrasound screen your little heart flickering away like a train. I was instantly in love. You where a totally show off at scans you like to wriggle around and do back flips. I recall many sonography calling you a shown off.

The first time we saw your little face in the 4D scan I couldn’t believe we had made you, you looked perfect. You had your hands up at your face, sucking your thumb just like your mummy used too. How could we have so much love for someone we had yet to meet. Our love for you is completely unconditional.

You are a very much wanted little boy, and there is a massive gap in our day where you should be.

I had lots of dreams about how we would be right now. I imagine that you would be a little rascal keeping me up at night and giving me no peace. I wouldn’t have minded, I would give my life to have to you back here. I dream about your cheeky smile, and your sapphire blue eyes, I know you would have gotten your daddy’s eyes. I imagine walking the puppies with you in your pram sound asleep and Robbie and Rosie guarding you.

I often wake up and roll over expecting you to be lying in your bedside crib, but your not their, I know you are always with me though, looking out for me.

When your heart stopped beating it complete broke me, I felt so helpless and useless. I couldn’t protect you and delivery you safely into this world. We will never know why, as only Mother Nature knows the truth. My heart broke into a million pieces that day, and I wonder if it will ever repair. I know that you took a little bit of my heart with you when you left, but you left me a little bit of yours.

I often ask myself if life will ever be the same again, if I will ever be that person before you died. I look a photos of me with bump and am angry that I was so happy and had no idea what lay ahead of us. I think life will be split into two half’s now, before Findley and after Findley.

I want you to know that you have changed so many peoples lives without ever meeting them. There is so much love for you out there, it make me sad you never got to known it.

Even your body gave us such comfort, I know you where with us in the delivery room, I know you helped me, kept me safe, gave me strength, I know that you saw all the love everyone had for you, the cuddles and kisses everyone Gave to you, the present everyone bought for you. Your feet may never have touched this earth but you have left some big foot prints in some very special hearts.

I hope you hear me speak to you everyday, I hope you are nearby, I hope you will guide me and give me strength to keep going on this journey.

I love you my little boy, with all my heart, with every ounce of my soul. I hope you are a peace and looked after.

I no longer fear death, I know when it’s time I will be with you again, until then I will stay strong, I will continue to dream and hope, I will continue to be as strong as I can. We hope one day we will make you a big brother and you will be proud of us.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mummy xxx