25th Feb 2021
I can’t believe its been two years since i woke up with a horrible gut feeling for my 16 weeks scan with Robyn. James was away and Rach was coming with me to my scan because, i knew she was the only person that i wanted with me for if it was bad news, i woke up panicking because it dawned on me she might be taking Maggie… and i knew deep down she couldn’t come. I remember crying thinking i would have to go myself, but Rach managed to get child care, and arrived just as My consultant called me in for my appointment. A appointment and scan simply for reassurance, ended up with Robyn dying hours later.
I wont ever forget that silence, and watching as the measurements came up 13weeks, 14 weeks 1, why me, when there had been nothing wrong with Findley and it was just bad luck and poor care.
In the end I had to loose Robyn to have Lewis, or they would have never noted a possible clotting issue, and decided on the plan that ultimately ment i took home a very special rainbow baby.
This week had been full of mummy guilt and triggers, last year on Robyns birthday i was 7 weeks pregnant with Lewis and in-fact our early scan was a year to the day that Robyn has died. So my focus was on Baby LJ and waiting for yet another loss, i don’t think i had the same head space to allow my grief for Robyn as i do this year . Remember hugging my consultant so tightly seeing that little heart beat of Lewis’s.. i miss being able to hug people.
Of course my anxiety is throw the roof, and i keep thinking Lewis is going to die, i have to remind myself that these worries aren’t founded, and hes a happy healthy nearly 6 month old. I woke wt 1.30am both Lewis and I sound asleep to find him in his side with his comforter at his face.. panicked.. of course he’s fine but now can i relax and sleep.. no
I was so excited to be pregnant with Robyn, terrified but excited losing her really did take away all that hopes and dreams and the little bit of confidence i had left. I remember James was off shore and on night and i had to get help to contact him to tel him, I could tell he just couldn’t believe it, but ever the optimist that we would all be fine. I agreed ti start the process of delivering Robyn before James arrived back, i knew from a Findley it would take a day or so, and i was so alone that night in the hospital the drugs made me so sick, which they hadn’t with Findley, and i wished nothing more than to have my husbands arms around me!
To go through all that pain and to still try again.. still think i am slightly mad, but we have our gorgeous boy now, the light of our life, and he will grow up, knowing he has two very special angels looking over him.
Bless James as his crazy wife still wants to expand our family, but i also fear that there will always be missing and we will never feel complete.