So i just signed up to run 50miles in march for SANDs, I am looking forward to it, i love a challenge, and i am enjoying my running, its nice to just run again. I am on week 7 of couch to 5k, i am extremely over weight, and facebook keeps reminding me that 8 years ago i first fid couch to 5k. I love the head space, and i am not running to loss weight to get pregnant or because i worry about being unfit and unhealthy and losing another baby, i am doing it because it brings me joy.. even if i am a snail.
However wow the Facebook group for SAND is a massive trigger, so much hurt and pain, i almost feel like i am pretending to be someone who hasn’t suffered loss and choses to pretend it doesn’t happen anywhere other than nightmares and horror movies.
I think with Robyn birthday just round the corner, trigger are probably stronger. Her first birthday i was 7 weeks pregnant with Lewis and my focus was on my early scan, James and I went away for a few days.
I often look at lewis and am so thankful for him, however it doesn’t mean everything all of a sudden is fine, of course he smiles, giggles and cuddles bring me grate joy, but the pain and Trauma is still there. I think I would like to move on now, but i don’t think you can move on from your children dying. Its a totally diffrent type of grief, no mother should have to hold their dead child.
I used to be able to read peoples stories about loss , but since having Lewis i feel like that chapter has passed, i am still a mum of three and I will always support my friends i have made through loss, i hope they are my friends for life, however i feel its time to move on from that world, its to dark a place to live forever. I guess a little bit of me will alway live there but i think before lewis all of me lived there.
I wonder if what the next chapter will hold.. one think there is definitely no space for is those who are to selfish to the include my children in their lives. Its all three or none, and i dont think thats to much to ask for