Mummy Guilt

So I have experinced lots of mummy guilt since Lewis was born, my breast feeding journey was a disaster, I bumped his head on the rafters in my bedroom, and I got soap in his eye when washing his hair, just to nail a few.

This was a new feeling I thought , but actually I had mummy guilt with Robyn and Lewis the only difference is my guilt was the feeling of responsibility that it was my fault that they had died. So I feel its a different kind of guilt.

However, i often find myself enjoying life again, which to some might sound ridiculous, but I have spent 3 years in a very dark place, so now Lewis is here, I feel like i am enjoying life again, we have hope, and purpose and my tiny little boy to look after. So here i am back running again, and not because we are trying for another baby but because i want to, and i truly am enjoying it. I go out and walk with the dog and the pram in the snow and i am so happy.

Then mummy guilt hits, because i maybe haven’t though about Findley and Robyn consciously for a day, or I have forgotten my pain, and everything we have been throught to get to this point. Maybe forgot isnt the right word, as I don’t think i will ever forget what we have been through, maybe I just try and put it in a box for a day. But suddenly i am walking in the snow looking at how beautiful the world is, and forgetting how dark it used to be, and how far we have come.