Is he your first ..

I found myself back in hospital recently, I developed a wounds from a reaction to a dressing for my section. Literally nothing is simple when it comes to me.. and I promise I am not being overly dramatic here 🤣. .. I have not healed correctly from the trauma of my section and it’s not normal!! Normal is over rated right … I am so fed up with having to fight all the time, however I am trying to accept that it will all be okay in the end. Short version is I am under plastic surgery and they will be reviewing my in a few weeks to see if surgery is required, however they are hoping the wound will heal with specialist help!

Anyway that was my point, my point was when I was back in hospital I had Lewis with me, and he created lots of aww cute, we aren’t used to seeing older babies, as I was in the maternity they are used to seeing little babies, not a month old, well unless neonate I guess but they still would look more new born if premature. Anyway I keep procrastinating, firstly I was out in a 4 bed bay, no special treatment this time, and I had the awkward question, is this your first, which I answered, no not really, I had a stillbirth in 2018, but he’s my first baby I have looked after Alive.

Firstly I chose not to mention Robyn, the pity of Findley is enough, and people don’t understand, and to be honest when your in a room full of new mums, I didn’t really want to be speaking about baby loss and the only response you ever get it oh I am so sorry!! Which is what do you respond to that, thank you… am so thankful your sorry my son died.

So by the 50th person to ask me if Lewis is my frist, I take a deep breath as say, em no, but he’s my first baby here in earth, I had a stillbirth in 2018, so he has an older brother, but he’s the first child I have looked after Alive.

I used to be able to say please don’t be sorry but it’s so exhausting. Then you have mummy guilt, and I really do already feel like I side step Robyn a lot, makes me feel guilty I don’t tell more people about her, but I will make sure Lewis knows all about his big brother and sister when the time is right.

It comes back to how everyone always seems to think that pregnancy is a positive happy experience, or is it the taboo that is baby loss!! I wish I could break the silence myself, but it’s going to take more than me to do it!!

The one positive about being back in hospital is that there are lots of staff there who know Findley and Robyn and that means I can speak freely about them to these people and they understand. They ask and speak about all my babies!!

I was glad when the amazing staff got me a single room and I could go into my little world with Lewis, I actually felt fine being back, I realised how much I have grown as a mum in the last 4 weeks, to add there were bit crazy postpartum hormones coasting about!! They are f**kers!! I though it was bad when Findley died grief and hormones but seriously those hormones are a complete bitch, and are well underestimated. Men will never truly understand!! Never mind it’s nice to be home now!!

Anyway yes I feel this blog is a bit random, I have taken all day to write it.. my point I guess is, it’s hard not to have mummy guilt, I don’t want the excitement of Lewis to be dulled by the sadness of Findley and Robyn, I wish it was a easier journey for us. It’s exhausting trying to Battle to get to where we want to be, however I am so lucky to have my gorgeous babies, and my squish Lewis is my arms!!

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