I thought I would blog more during this pregnancy but I just have found that it’s not been at the forefront of my mind. I have used social media more to share our journey. I worry people think it’s for attention, when all I really want to do is help remove the taboo of child loss.
I have never ever been one to hold my tongue and I have always been honest and open about my feelings, I will never be two faced to people. However I have found myself recently listening to my husband who tells me to just leave things because he knows ultimately it will cause me upset and he just see how much I am struggling
pregnancy after loss also known as PAL was not a journey I ever really sat down and though about, I had a short spell of experiencing it with Robyn but I feel as it was early second trimester she died, it was all 1st trimester worries I faced, and most mums to be have to face theses.
I never thought about the Huge responsibility. Since probably we got to 28 weeks I have felt a huge responsibility on my shoulders to look after this baby I feel I am the only person that can know when something is not right and I feel like I’m constantly on guard. Sometimes I struggle to sleep because of the fear that when I wake up I may not feel any movement. Sometimes I wake up in the early hours of the morning and lay there waiting for baby to move and then just start crying with relief . The fear is real, and I often feel like it’s a massive weight I wish just maybe for an hour or two I can hand over to someone else. However I wouldn’t change it for the world, and would do anything to take this baby home.
I have had many conversation with my consultant about my mental health and how I feel, and she is really supportive. She has offered to admit me for monitoring and up my scans, but at the moment we continue to stick with two scan a week carried out by her, and then go in for monitoring of baby heartbeat if I am worried.
Today I was worried well actually prob since Friday but then, I think it mainly because he has finally put his head down and my kicks are very different. So I had to make the choice of going into Aberdeen to Triage which unfortunately currently located in rubislaw (where Robyn and Findley were born) or go to Inverurie where quite frankly we don’t think they are experienced enough to deal with anything not normal. Well I went to Inverurie and thankfully every thing was fine
The other thing about PAL is that it really does take all your energy to focus on you. I know in the past I have felt my friends drift away during their rainbow pregnancies and slightly got annoyed about it. However I find I currently have no capacity to comfort others, which sounds horrible it’s just so hard, I can’t share how I am feeling with them, I know they would give anything to be in my shoes, and I struggle to know how to support them.
Same goes for my friends, I have really been taken a back by some people behaviour towards me. I personally think that I often feel like am on the edge of a cliff and just when I more hanging on in there, I have little capacity for other problems. Although I have one or two friends who I don’t mind supporting and listening to, but these are friend that have been there for me through my losses/.
I don’t think it makes me a bad person for not being able to support others with there problems just now, but I am being made to feel like that by some. I hope people understand that if I am coming across like I don’t care, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I have nothing left to give.
I wish I could write down in word what it feels like to carry another life in side you and constantly being petrified that at any point that life will be taken from you. I just can’t there truly are no words becuase terrified ain’t even strong enough.
We do not have long left to survive now, we have an elective section booked, if one more person asks me the date I will scream. I understand people are worried and anxious for us, and excited but I don’t want to tell people when this baby is due to join us. I can’t even bring myself to pack hospital bag let alone get excited.
I just keep telling myself to keep swimming!!! PAL is a very lonely place because very few people really understand or know how you feel. Those that walk it with you side by side tend to be the ones who get it, those with their rainbows compare your journey to theirs, and those yet to have their rainbows struggle to comprehend why you just aren’t happy! My soul sister still remains an amazing support and although we don’t speak every day she’s always there when I need her.
Friend what haven’t suffered loss really struggle to know wha to say, and I understand this, saying something is sometimes better than nothing, but saying things like, it will be okay, it won’t happen again, this is a different pregnancy, you can’t think like that, are all very unhelpful comments. A few friends who have said they feel they are bad friends because they don’t know what’s been going on, not knowing what I am up to doesn’t make you a bad friend, I don’t really share anything individually with much people other than James. Even today when someone text asking how I was , I just say that I am okay, and how are they, because honestly am struggling all the time, but I don’t want to make a drama out of it, I just want to keep trying to put one foot in front of the other!