I love being woken up by my baby, it’s literally the most enjoyable thing about this pregnancy, I woke up early with a somersault, grab James hand so he can enjoy it with me, but by the time I wake him up, LJ has decided he’s only playing for mummy. No matter how many times I have felt a kick now, every kick makes me smile, every roll makes me giggle inside, it’s like a light in like darkness. I think that’s what’s make late loss even harder, as you learn there rolls and kicks, they start to take on a personality, I laugh at LJ as I get a kick in the bladder, or I imagine LJ pluming up my bladder to use as a pillow, okay okay and going for a pee I will say. Like LJ is telling me I need the room move over.
It’s been a roller coaster of a week. I had my first “reduced movement” visit to Inverurie maternity unit. I went from just wanting to go for reassurance, to full on my baby has died in a 10 mile drive, by the time I met James there I was verging in hysterical.
The staff were fantastic and agreed James could come in with me, I explained that both time they have told me a my baby has died he hasn’t been there and I can’t do it again. There wasn’t any questioning, and in we went. The midwife was amazing, she asked about Findley we spoke about our loss, we explained our worries and she quickly pulled the Doppler out to listen to heart best. There was that magic sound 🥰 the midwife stood for 5 mins letting us listen as baby wriggled about and kicked at the Doppler, it just makes my heart melt!
as I lay there waiting for the sound to echo through the speaker, I remember them trying to find Findleys and only finding my own, which was going at 130 bpm, during that split second I though he was still alive but no he had died. I shared that moment with the midwife and how much I was grasping for hope that night.
After a good half an hour of chatting to James and I, I was calm enough to take my blood pressure and go home. The rest of the afternoon I had an active little baby, kicking away. However I didn’t feel silly for going down, I had been made to feel that I had absolutely doing the right thing , and reminded day or night if I am worried just to call.
Yesterday we had our weekly scan with my fabulous consultant, I want you to imagine her as super women, with light shining from being her and a cape blowing in the wind, I literally wouldn’t be surviving this without her. I maybe slightly feel sorry for her, that I have placed her so high I n my survival list, she’s right there with James. I honestly feel like she’s as invested in this pregnancy as we are, and every step we take she’s right there with us.
This week was growth scan, and I was nervous for where baby was sitting in the growth chart, but not for a heart beat, I think for the first time in my whole pregnancy I went in there and I wasn’t worried there wouldn’t be a heart beat, sound silly to some but it’s a massive achievement for me. My active little LJ was wriggling around making us laugh as we tried to get measurements, even kicking at the probe at one point as my consultant tried to get baby to move an elbow out of the way. Measurements all done and baby had, had a wee growth spurt. No wonder I have been super tired and hungry this week. Probably make a change from James here .. I feel sick to I feel hungry. However we are not sitting just below the 90th centile which means, time to get tested for gestational diabetes. Fingers crossed that I don’t have it, but I would rather know and control it now, than not know. I was tested with Findley too, but he was just a big baby and blood were normal, but every pregnancy is different and my body had been working hard this last 2 years.
I feel like I want to share my journey of pregnancy after loss, so many women who blog after loss, stop after a year or so, when the dark days are gone, or they fall pregnant again. I want to keep our story going, and share with people. It’s probably important to me, I randomly post of Facebook to let people have an insight too, at the back of my head I know I have friend on there trying for a family and I feel guilt like I am rubbing my pregnancy in their face, but I hope they realise that’s not my aim. Simply to allow people to experience this with us if they want to, and gain a better understanding of how things aren’t always a rosey as they look.
I still won’t apologise for honesty and putting myself first in this journey. I defiantly have no space in my life for unsupportive selfish people, the old Jan would allow those behaviours, the new jan will shut the door on them!
Still Born Findley's Story 
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