So last night for some reason I started having flash backs to rubislaw. I don’t know what triggered it, and I can’t decided if it was a flash back, or a fear of what might happen. I didn’t really want to investigate it to much. Some things are best left. I had a nice day yesterday with baby moving around and I wonder sometimes how much a more chilled out day can actually just cause me to look for something to worry about.
It made me wonder how much do people understand what it’s like to live with PTSD? I mean my work clearly have no idea Since my bosses idea of how to avoid flash backs is to walk round the other side of Aberdeen maternity!! Palm face! Feck off! However it really is life changing. Little things from change to facing the unknown can really effect me. If I make a plan then someone tries to change it. It can really upset me, for anyone else they would probable think how stupid, but I have that plan set out in my head now, each step of it and what I am going to do.
Anxiety is a massive other part of it, I have always suffered from anxiety but I have never realised until then last year when I returned to work. Little things like worrying what to wear on a night out, or having to walk into somewhere alone that I had never been before, all signs of anxiety. Something most of us have faced at some point. Ever asked your friend, are you wearing heels tonight, what are you wearing, before a night out? Bet you never though that could be linked to anxiety.
Then there’s the big one, the triggers that cause flash back. It can be anything from driving a road, to a sentence, to a place. You never know when to expect it and you don’t know how to deal with it until you are in it. I had one day walking from my office past rubislaw, been back at work maybe a couple of weeks. Had no issues with walking past then, this one day, I was walking with a colleague and boom, I looked at the hill and all of a sudden it was dark and I was sitting there, and I was running through in my head the words that had just been uttered to me. Sorry there is no heart beat!! It was like I just relived the moment I sat there the night Findley died. No warning. No real reason why, just that time, that space and where i was caused a massive trigger. That’s just one trigger!
My biggest trigger I have had recently is when I am in bed at night and I want to feel baby kick, I roll over and just lay still for a minute. Then it causes a flash back to that night I found out Findley has died, I remember lying in bed rolling over and something not feeling right, and knowing I had to go into hospital. It’s like I am back in that moment again, and I panic! It’s heart wrenching.
James said to me the other day, people forget that you are fragile, and that little things can cause big ripples. Like I am trying really hard just now to have something planned each day, even if it simply my yoga or a scan, if for some reason those plans change it can cause me to spiral, which then causes me to be unable to deal with emotions, and I can become quickly inconsolably upset. It’s so hard to explain to people, because others don’t face or deal with it, and to be fair it’s not really their problem, it’s how I feel.
It’s all about trying to ground yourself and realise you okay and your not in the same situation, it’s not 2018, your not reliving your pregnancy this is a new one, this is different!! It doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again… then that little voice in your head .. but it doesn’t mean it won’t!!
I would happily gag, bound and chuck that voice in a river but I think it just part of me. James said to me the other day, don’t be so silly… run and hide… but that’s his way of dealing with this situation, to me it’s not silly it’s possible, to him he wants to focus on positives. I wish I could, just be like yeah all it well this baby is coming home. however I live with the trauma of losing both Findley and Robyn and all I know in pregnancy is loss. My brain is programmed to protect me.. at all costs!