7th June 2020

I feel like I am losing my mind, it’s like 4am and I am lying here awake waiting for LJ to kick and wriggle!! Like he’s a circus elephant. I never did this with Findley, I always loved feeling him kicking when I woke up in the morning, now I feel like I hold my breath till LJ moves. Of course I also love feeling LJ move, and if you were with me, you would see the corners of my lips turn up and I smile, its what makes this pregnancy enjoyable, feeling LJ building their own character!

Of course LJ gives me a good morning kick but by this time I am wake.. like wired to the moon. James is sound asleep no idea I am slowly tormenting myself, but am Glad of that he can get some sleep. Don’t get me wrong he worries. yesterday Baby had a quieter day, which is normal at this stage, I still counted 9 episodes of movement during the day, which is fine, I have an anterior placenta so some times movements aren’t as strong if LJ hides behind it, but James new I was worried, then he reminds me of what Lena said and tried to reassure me baby it okay. I said to him, but I didn’t pay enough attention with Findley and look what happened.

Like that was my fault 3 times I was in with reduced movement, many a time I would say I don’t know what’s normal for baby, and he stopped growing, yet he still died.

So yes am going to be neurotic about movement, I have a kicks count band and I mark on it when I have an episode of movement, not every kick, but ever group of movements.

Someone said to me in the SANDS group that is all linked to PTSD, and you find yourself thinking your in the same situation again as when Findley died, that day when I wonder if he was moving or not, I doubt myself sometimes to feeling kicks now, was it a kick or did I just make that up. Anyway it important to ground yourself.. well I need to work on this. I tell myself how baby is always moving at scans and I can’t feel every move, that both Robyn and Findley has warning signs placenta wasn’t working, this baby is measuring where they need to be, and I am being closely monitored.

I often tell myself this pregnancy is a new pregnancy. It’s all going to be okay. I am hoping as LJ gets bigger that I start to doubt myself less.. however I know I will just find something else to worry about.

Right now I am on antibiotics again for the second time for group B strep in my urine, which is okay, I am a group B strep carrier and it’s likely contamination in my urine sample as I don’t have symptoms of a UTI, but wow the antibiotics they have me on are rough. So even though my consultant had no worries over group B strep just now, I am like.. google .. scroll scroll, oh you antibiotics during labour, septic baby… oh and it can in rare occasions affect baby during pregnancy… cue focus in rare occasions!

It’s real life right now for me. This is why it soooo hard to keep in contact with my angel mums who haven’t had a rainbow yet or aren’t pregnant, Becuase I sound like I am not happy to be pregnant again. However I am, and James reminded me, even though this is one of the hardest things we will face, it’s a good challenge to face, slowly creepy towards that 3rd trimester, worrying, but we are pregnant. However to someone desperate to be pregnant it sounds so ungrateful. I also think those who haven’t suffered loss, think all is fine now! Magic baby.. but it’s still really hard. I am not one to ask for help either, which has probably been by down fall through the last 2 years, and one of the biggest reasons I can count my friends on one hand now. I am not sure I am 100% to blame for this but I am not 0% either. People know where I am if they want to each out . However I am not okay, and to be honest I don’t know if I ever will be truly this okay again, but I am more okay no that I was a year ago.. if that makes any sense.

We will get there one day at a time!! I have two amazing angels looking after me, and watching out for their little one too! I know as Findley birthday approaches .. only 5 and a bit weeks away now it’s going to get harder. I can not believe it’s his 2nd birthday, or angel anniversary, what ever people like to call it. To me it’s his birthday.

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