I have started to write sooo many blogs in the last 6 months and just stopped myself, I don’t know why, but maybe one reason is, I feel people use my blogs to spy and then think they have an idea of how I am feeling, which really irritates me for some reason, I chose to share my story to help others, not to allow others access spy. If you want to know how I am it’s simple text or call me. I don’t know if it’s also Becuase people took offence to what I wrote, now I still feel that anything I wrote was about me and I can’t be held responsible for how that make others feel, I have no control over other people’s feelings. However I do care and love the people around me so wouldn’t want to be seen as intentionally upsetting anyone.
So what’s going in just now? I am currently 6 months pregnant with law junior, and it is the scariest thing I have ever experienced, and I have ridden half a tone of animal at solid wooden fences. I am constantly terrified of losing this baby. I have nicked named them law junior, it was initially bean but we liked LJ.
I am at the really scary part of my pregnancy where baby likes to move and let me know they are okay, but not all the time yet, I wake up and I can’t get back to sleep till I feel a wee kick, and in the morning I am obsessed with waiting to feel that hi mum and still okay kick and bunch!! Once I feel that I can almost breath.
It’s far to early to be counting kicks or focusing on movement, I know this, I have been reassured by my consultant but still my mind likes to focus on it. I have bought a few little outfits of LJ already which I feel is a big step, but the biggest step I took was buying a new pram. Totally not required but I just wanted a new one. I can’t explain it, and I am not particularly a person that spends money easily, that’s James job, but I did it. I felt like it was a safe buy Becuase it has a 90 day returns policy and I am 3month give or take till I should need it. Sounds stupid doesn’t it…. I can’t explain it , I just do what I feel is right for me.
It took me till I was 16 week pregnant will I could ever really bring myself to tell people, of course that when Robyn left us. Although it didn’t feel like a safe space, I also didn’t want LJ to be another baby that isn’t acknowledged. So we shared our news in social media. My 16 week scan was my scariest to date, not just because of Robyn but because of covid 19 James has to be snuck in to my scan to avoid upsetting others, which resulted in us being scanned in the same room at 16 weeks with LJ and with Robyn… I was shaking so much, but there was little LJ just chilling heart beating away, lying face down having a snooze! Never felt so much relief.
To be honest every scan we have, which is weekly at the moment , literally because I am bat shit crazy , I feel my body intense as my consultant says those words – there’s a strong heart beat – and breath! Even if I have felt a few kick on the way in. My consultant is amazing, nothing is every to much and I email her with the stupidest things and she always replies. I feel special to have such support from such a busy member of staff.
So I have had some negative behaviours from people, one person close to me is pregnant just now, and I get comments like, how do you manage to get so many scans, and your lucky James gets to come with you. Now to be clear my husband hasn’t been in a scan with me since I was 4 months. I took the choice to protect my consultant and the staff in AMH, I am definitely in a group that should be aloud my husband with me, because of the trauma etc but we have managed so far with him in the car in Face time. Which I am so proud of myself for. However people need a reality check. I will not be made to feel guilty for getting special treatment. I need it to survive this pregnancy and I will take everything offered to me to help.
I feel sorry for people who are so caught up in their own world they can’t see how much James and I have been through, and how detrimental that is to our mental health. However like I said, I will not be sorry for being well looked after.
Another thing is that pregnancy after loss is different for everyone and it’s just finding your own way to navigate through it all. So you can’t compare one loss to another, they are all so different. i have a good support network in angel mums, some who are pregnant just now some who have had their rainbows, but although we all feel as crazy about things as each other, we deal with them differently. So there is no comparison.
I realise I haven’t mentioned Findley in this blog yet, but He’s still here with me, every step of the way, every day I think of him, but my guilt is gone, I do not feel guilty for being pregnant again, it’s nearly two years since her was born, I can’t believe it. I don’t fine myself thinking about what should be, i more think of him as a baby still looking out for us all. I had a wee cry this morning thinking of him, as LJ made sure I knew he was awake. One thing is these two babies are very different, Findley was a poser and loved a scan, LJ would rather be comfortable that pose 🥰. I miss him very much, and am sure as time progresses I will find more and more trigger that bring memory’s back.
To keep you going here is a photo of the outfit I have bought for LJ 🥰