18th January 2020

Omg I am terrified, I am in one of those ride where you leave you belly at the top as it swings you round and round, back and forth. It’s a week since I got my first postive test, I feel like a mile stone has been reached. Each day at a time that what I keep saying, it really is survival, as everyone know how much I love a survival mission.

Maureen told me 2020 was going to be an amazing year.. this is all I keep telling myself, it’s going to be okay.

We have decided to keep it to ourselves for a while, not becuase we are scared if the bad luck, just because I dont want the attention. Although as I drived heaved at the smell of Charlotte’s baked beans today, am pretty sure she figure it our. Kind enough not to ask me our right, I swerved the questions like a drunk driver.

I so want this to be okay, I have always wanted every pregancy to just be okay.

On Thursday I spend the whole day just thinking I was going to start bleeding, then today I had a good day of it worrying to much. Then just before bed I have a panic and I have to do a test. That wont settle me either but I do it anyway.

I miss James so much right now, I wish he was home, so I could share my worries he could give me a hug.

I have been doing my injections religiously, I will litrally jump through hoops to take this baby home. It really is what it is though, I cant change any of what’s to come, I can only look after myself as best I can.

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