30th July 2019
I have realised over the last few weeks just how much I rely on hope to keep me going.
I have no idea how I manage to always seem to like in the brighter side even though, the brighter side is never where we end up.
I always just grasp for the possibility it might all just be okay. When the reality is it’s probably not going to be, however one day I am sure I will be able to look back an see that all the heart ache over the last year has been worth while.
I said to my friend yesterday that I literally dont care what day it is, if it’s a Monday a Friday or a Saturday, I just put on foot in front of the other surviving, taking us one step closer to our next and final 1st, taking our baby home. I know I have onvispily get pregnant first, however the last year has shown that’s not our biggest issue, it’s the staying pregnant. Am sure I could spiral down wards, maybe Findley was my only living child etc etc. However I refuse to go down that route until someone tells me to give up.
I keep hoping and praying that it will all just work out, it’s sometimes a difficult existence, being at work definitly keeps me entertained and gives me some focus, but I still not have a job I can call my own, and I sway back and forth between wanting to return to my old job, mainly due to the amazing people I worked with in the wider team. I gave seen them a few times recently and I miss it. I am however very lucky to have such an amazing team just now to work along side.
I think I keep my batshit crazy to myself most of the time, its amazing how you can just get in with things. I dont think anyone really would know what’s going on in my head.
I have given up trusting my instincts abs body although I am normally 95% correct, it’s like I cant allow myself to believe in some things.
Greif literally has no time frame, people I think do forget this sometimes. It hurts no less today than it did a year ago when I tbunj of my beutiful son, however I have learner how to cope with it. How to function and carry on. One foot in front of the other, being completly selfish and looking after me!!