Friday 12th July
You cant even write this shit, I dont understand why life seems keep kicking us when we are down.
On Tuesday we where overjoyed to find out we where pregnant again, I know right, I can hear everyone opinion, I waited before I emailed my consultant as i have to be started in blood thinning injections.
Well within mins of contact the ward to arrange my prescription, I started to bleed, cue oh fuck this cant be good!
The sensible part of my brain tired to swing it to something less sinister but all I know in pregancy is loss, there is yet to be a happy ending, so I call the ward back and sob at them, they tell me not to jump the gun, it might be okay, there are lots of things that cause spotting and bleeding in early pregnancy! I spoke with my consultant who agreed it was likely going to be a biochemical pregnancy, she has warned me that this might happen to us and not to givd up hope as lots of women suffer early miscarriages! Well fuck my life, why dont we just add that to the lost of things that we have suffered in the last years.
So I try to cling to hope as my spotting progresses to bleeding, I didnt feel like it was my period, as it wasnt so heavy, I decided would re test in the morning and the midwife asked me to call her back and check in with her the next day.
So way my tests are still postive and even more so now, okay bleeding might be due to something else, as say pprogressed I still clung to hope, I called the midwife back, oh the ward is closed staff off sick, and now am speaking to someone who has no idea who I am!
Let me make it easy for you, as the person on the other end of the phone says shes just reading me notes. I hate a still birth full term in july last year, a late miscarriage at 16 weeks in February and now I am bleeding. I dont even know why I am calling, my consultant has given me a plan.
Plan – test again Monday if test still postive attend early pregnancy unit to see consultant. Well for you can fuck right off with that idea as Monday Mark’s a year to the day I lay in that early pregnancy unit being told my baby had no heart beat.
I know you reading this thinking whats next..its so hard to think of a silver lining to this big red cloud!
So I continued to take another test this morning a digital one, even though I woke up bleeding still, this will show me the word – not pregnant, did it fuck, here we go, big bold writing Pregnant!! Fuck you universe! So what do you do, do you continue to think that this bleeding is nothing, and frantically google for postive outcomes, or do you give uphope and move on to trying yet again.
It’s a complete head fuck! Oh and you guess it right where is James, not here, its like the universe hates us!
It did end up being a biochemical pregnancy which is some ways I am glad if as its it classified as a embryo until 4 weeks and that means technically I wasnt pregnant yet. I guess we just try again! One day I swear I will be posting a picture of our new born baby on here, I dont give up hope.