Wednesday 10th July
I know I havent blogged in ages, i guess I havent felt the need. I have been so preoccupied with being thrown back in full time to work, and also the fact the the honesty in blog ofended some people, disclaimer this blog is very much about me, no one else, and I am responsible for how I feel no one else. please dont take anything personally its honestly not about you.
So a quick update I guess, work has been crazy, I am loving it, the team are fantastic, friendly and supportive. I have shared Findleys and Robyn’s story with them, and am proud of myself. I hate that I am having to leave a job I love because of one person, but I know I am doing it for the right reasons.
I have put in applications for a few jobs and just hope what us fir me wont pass me by. I think it’s a good distraction and focus for my mind being at work. I have also learned how much skills I have already and how much I have developed as a professional over the years. A lack of self respect I probably had before.
So it’s a week today till the wee mans birthday. I cant beleive it, the quickest and slowest year of my life. I miss my innocence but I have learned so much about me as a person, and have so much more self respect. My marriage is stronger than it has ever been, we are wo grateful for each other.
I know how lucky we are to be in this situation, to be on the same page, and be supporting each other. We have so much more openness I our relationship, I never thought I could love someone as much as I do my husband.
So Monday was a public holiday here and for the first time in a long time, I took myself to one of my all time favourite places. The top of bennachie. I went a really quiet route so no one would bother me, and I fought myself all the way up, struggled and though I cant do this, 7 miles later I was back at the car, it felt so peaceful. I even found a new trail, how I have I idea, I have run up there for years, and I had never see it before. I had some good long chats with my Angel’s and it was so good for the soul.
It’s been 4 months since Robyn died, feels like so short and so long, she would have been coming into this world shortly if she was still alive. So not only is it Findleys birthday, but it’s also getting close to Robyn’s expected delivery date. All in all a difficult time.
I have llearnt that along this journey there are a few rules I have for myself
1. Live in the here and now
2. Its okay to not be okay
3. Its okay to be okay
4. Your journey is your own, do not compare it to others
I struggle to beleive that in a weeks time it will be a year since I first held my baby boy and even though within that 24 hours it was the first and last cuddle i ever had with him, it will always be a strong memory. I will always feel blessed to have held him, carried him and felt his personality grow. Yes it’s hard to see pregnant people, yes its hard to here peoples announcements over pregnancy, but my journey is my own, and as I learn to appreciate that, although I am still jealous of others, I know that my happy times will come, and I also respect I have no idea what others face on their path to happiness.