Are you ok?

Tuesday 11th June

If one more person asks me if am ok, I swear I will scream. I hate being asked it, what are you meant to reply, yeah am all good, lost both my babies is less than a year but am good.

People expect you to be like yeah am fine, how are you, but in fact I am currently in a angry place. We had arranged a bbq to celebrate Findley’s first angel birthday, and I though it would be nice, but as the date starts to get closer, I have decided to cancel it. I have some really amazing friends, d, who have been here with me every step of the way, then I have other friends who I haven’t seen in months, actually some since before Robyn died, some since she was born. So we decided that we actually didn’t want to spend a day celebrating his birthday with people who we haven’t seen or heard from in months. We decided we will arrange something more intimate nearer the time. We have a raffle to draw and obviously still want to celebrate.

So cancelling the Facebook invite que messages asking if am ok. Not okay, resent the fact that I am left feeling worthless by people who don’t bother with me for months. Absolutely resent the fact that people have there own lives and don’t bother with me until I all of a sudden pop up in there news feed cancelling an event. Now am realistic about the face people have busy lives, but i did always say I would be honest with my blogs and this journey, so others can know it’s okay to feel not okay. My lack of support from my friends has really hit me hard recently, I think it’s harder because James works away, I can actually go weeks without seeing someone, that I neither work with, am related to, or pay for their time. It really is out of sight out of mind.

The response then irritates me, I don’t want people to jump up and be like are you okay, do I then appear like am looking for attention? an not, if you can’t be bothered with me before I cancel, then don’t bother with me now just to safe you conscious. Then also don’t get upset by my response if honesty, it’s it about you, it’s about how I feel. I don’t actually care if you now “feel bad” it’s not my responsibility to make you feel better.

My friend messages me the other day, “had a rough week” bless, she’s had a rough few years, so obviously you ask what up, she replies to me “complaining” about something to do with having a baby. Now I appreciate people have hard times, but why on earth would you share that with me. Someone who wishes more than anything she was struggling with motherhood issues. I was heart broken reading it. Something I might never experience and your moaning to me about it. I totally respect the need to vent and moan, but I am the wrong person, and I have no empathy toward “real work problems”. Oh am so busy at work and running round after the kids.. really wish I had to problems. sorry to busy in life.

Then you star to feel like no one has time for you, you reply to messages, people say they want to catch up, then no response for days, or people cancel on you last minute, I don’t think people realise how much that effect a grieving mother, something so small can leave me ugly crying into a pillow.

I have never felt more alone since Robyn died, and I am absolutely gutted that I feel like I have lost so many friends.

James hit the nail on the head, he said to me, everyone jumped all over you when Robyn died, and you just couldn’t cope, you wanted it to be so different from Findley, and once the dark started to clear and you were ready to see people, they had gone.

I feel like I almost have to apologise to people for not having a busy life, sorry that my children died and I have all this spear time