Friday 7th June

3 months since Robyn was born and nearly 11 months since Findley was born, time does fly!

This week has been a tough one. First full week at work in a year, a year since things start to all go wrong with Findley, and a visit back to Rubislaw for my repeat bloods.

30 mins to leave a grieving mouth along waiting for bloods In a ward her babies were both born in, and then taken from her in, was just far to long in my eyes, but I survived and they are done. Part of me wonders what was the point, even a negative result doesn’t mean I don’t have APS, but a positive one will confirm that that’s what killed my babies.

Work has been good, exhausting but I survived and met some lovely people. Made plans and found myself distracted for the first time in a long time from trying for our family. Although I have still shared how and feeling and thinking with my new colleague probably more so than I ever did wrong my old ones, I mean I didn’t even let them know we wanted family.

This month saw us miss our chance to try with James being away, bitter sweet, it’s heart breaking because all hope is gone, but at least when Mother Nature turns up it won’t rip me to bits as it does when we have been able to try. It’s a horrible cycle . It’s really hard to try for a family when you husband works away, but it’s just part of the struggle.

I have been irritated by social media this week with peoples moaning posts, who cares seriously do you think what your moaning about, in the grand scheme of things it’s not that bad. You are still breathing and surviving. Think of real life problems, boohoo your having a bad day, it’s okay tomorrow will be better. Try surviving losing a child!

I kinda hoped that the domino effect of good things would be coming our way, but I just find it hard sometimes to see the light. I find myself living in the other side of optimistic, pessimistic. What could go round in this scenario probably will, however some times I can climb out from under the clouds and see the sun light.

I feel so undervalued as a friend too, am like a broken record but seriously feel like most of them have given up on me, and it’s shit because I would never give up on someone in as dark a place as I have visited. However I need to learn to move on, I have never been particularly extravert and that’s my problem.

I remember another angel mum saying that someone had dispersed when she lost her son, but then when I spoke to that friend they said that angel mum has gone all weird!! Well no shit she lost her son, of course she weird don’t give up on her. Funny how you can see things differently from the other side.

However today was made brighter by a picture from another angel mummy on her wedding day. Made my heart smile, I can just imagine her beautiful angel baby right there with her. So special , and it’s lovey to see her smile.

I also have James home this weekend, so am looking forward to some nice walks, heart to hearts, and generally recovering from the week.

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