Sunday 2nd June
I saw a post of Facebook today from someone thanking all her friends for being there through the tough and good times, and I thought to myself I wish I could write that. However I don’t feel I honestly could.
I used to be the type of person who wanted everyone to like her, I would do everything I could to help people out, go out of my way in fact so people would want to be my friend, but now I feel like I want people to prove to me they deserve to be my friend. Not a test or anything just sitting back and seeing how they are, how they support me in this terrible year we have had.
My answer is that I think am an after thought to most people, I mean so little that since Robyn died 3 months ago I have spoken to 4 of my friends from before Findley died. When I speak of my friends, I now refer to my friends, as the people who speak and support me daily, people who I have met online through SANDS, or people who I have been put in contact who are also angel mums locally. Not the people who I have known for years. It’s kinda sad actually, it’s hard enough rebuilding your life after loss, without having to rebuild your friendship group.
I know we all have busy lives but I sure as hell wouldn’t leave friends hanging, I got one message saying sorry we just seem to keep missing each other, sure we do, you live 10 mins away and I have been off work for a year, making a new grove in my sofa, but we just keep missing each other.
I have become resentful to those who have chosen to put their busy lives before supporting me through this journey, like just picking up the phone and calling it takes 5 mins. I guess no one really knows what’s it’s like if they haven’t walked in your shoes.
I have come to the conclusion that I just can’t be bothered with fake people any more, maybe fake isn’t the right phrase, but I can’t be bothered with people who don’t appear to care.
No one can make me feel how I don’t already feel, but I tell you this journey is lonely enough without being forgotten about.
I know exactly how this feels. I look through my contacts list and there’s just no one. I have no friends for support either. It’s so lonely xx