Tuesday 28th May
where has May gone, for me it’s been a month of trying to look after me and live. I am just back from Kenya safari, truly a trip of a life time. It was really good for the soul, and I found myself often with Findley and Robyn there. I have so many fantastic memories and I felt so close to nature. i has to keep reminding myself when I was away, it’s okay to be okay. It’s okay to enjoy life, it’s okay to be happy even though your babies died. It’s okay!
Tomorrow marks another first and it scares me. I start a new 3 month temp post, I am nervous and anxious, I wasn’t meant to start till Monday so not particularly prepared and a email today really made me feel like I had a rug pulled out from under me. I can’t believe the lack of mental health understanding some people have.
Anxiety is probably something I have suffered with for years, but always managed to control it, although I am not confident I did have confidence in who I was, that all disappears when you suffer a loss of a child. It changes who you are forever!
I wish I think were different, but I accept that they are not. I do not have a 10 and a half month old son, and I am not 28 weeks pregnant. I have two beautiful angel babes. Who give me the strength to keep living, when it would be so easy to give up.
So what scares me about tomorrow? Seeing people I haven’t seen in the over a year, people not knowing my story, trying to keep my shit together in front of my new colleagues. These are all very scary, but the thing that scares me the most, is that I feel like I am moving on, that I am leaving my babies behind and work is normality and I am going to be normal. I spoke to a sands befriended today, she said she used to have to apologise to her baby and say, she is going to have to focus all her mind on herself today, and if she started to get upset she was going to have to push it to the back of her mind until she was home. I like this idea, and I think I will try it tomorrow.
Life has to has to move forward, and no matter how much we still want to have a baby we take home and hear those screams and have those sleepless nights, until then life must move forward, it can’t be one focus, it has to have purpose. I know that my children would not want me to sit and be sad, they would want me to be happy and live, they will live with me.
Today is a day not to be okay! And that okay, my mother in law was look my after my puppies for me when I was away, as James in offshore, and I started crying when she went to leave, i didn’t really want her to leave, and she offered to stay, she didn’t want to leave me upset, but I said it’s okay, I will have a good cry and that’s okay, it’s probably what I need.
I also probably spent the last week with my mum trying not to cry, as I don’t want her worrying or fussing, and then I think it’s build up.