Tuesday 16th April 2019
After spending an hour breaking my heart to James on Sunday, I now feel slightly lighter. I think now my fertile week has passed that I am just looking forward to the next cycle. It’s probably good to give my body and mind a break, if we had tried this month I would be currently symptom spotting and day dreaming. However I know how much my body has been through lately and it’s only 7 weeks since Robyn was born. Having this time to recover isn’t a negative thing, its just hard.
I met another angel mum for a walk last week and she said to me she worried people would judge her for trying again. She too suffered a miscarriage then a neonatal deaths. I told her that she shouldn’t give a dam about what others think. However here I am worrying about writing down my true feelings over being judged, or people think she’s obsessed, well yes I kinda am. it’s also the fact I kinda feel like am speaking about my sex life, although not directly I kinda am.
I keep praying and hoping that my cycle has returned to normal, even though my body is shouting at me telling me it is, I still seem to doubt it. However I am trying to be positive, I wrote down some positive affirmations last night, and am trying to just think that miracles do come true. James is super optimistic and I kinda agree with him, there is no harm in thinking all will be good and well. There no point in stressing about it all, what will be will be. There is no one standing telling us not to try again or to wait. In fact the complete opposite, and no one telling us it will take years. So it might but actually it also might not.
I love dreaming of being pregnant or of my babies. Last night I saw a little boy a toddler probably around 3 in the super market with me, big bright eyes and giggling away in the milk isle. I love when I can see this. I hate when I have a block of vision, and my imagination won’t allow me to see happiness. I often struggle to imagine life with A child in it, but I think it’s purely because I have no idea what to expect or how it’s going to be. It’s the unknown changing of life that come with having a family.
I keep asking the magic 8 ball what my future holds, a crystal ball would be nice, but the future is for ever changing depending on which path we take now. All I feel is certain is that one day someone will hand me a screaming child of my own.
Until then it’s all about living life, even if it’s hard it we don’t really want to. I really do want normality in my life, I want to get up go to work, run see my horse and walk my dogs. I want it to be like that again, I know am a different person from this time last year, and I long for the happiness and innocence I once had. However I know that I can withstand this storm it’s just wondering when it will end.
I am really excited for my job interviews this week, but also worried that because if my time off they won’t look at me, then I think, but if I had been in maternity leave, rather than off sick, would have it been such s big deal. I know I have to be honest and I hope that I am not judged or penalised for it.
I some times feel like am in a washing machine going round and round back and forever .. bang around in my head. Some days are clearer than others.