Sunday 14th April
I don’t want to get out of bed today, kinda felt a bit like this yesterday but I managed, this last few day has been my first “fertile” week since we lost Robyn. It’s bitter sweet, nice to know my body is back on tack, but hard to deal with the prospect of having to try again, when it just shouldn’t be that way.
To add to that, James is away working still, so i am back at the start line, but now he is on the bus trying to get here. Part of me thinks that it’s a good thing, give me body time to recover. Trying to stay positive that we fell in our second cycle with Robyn, then I remind myself it took a year to fall with Findley. It’s like I have two little people on my shoulders, one tells me all the positive the other reminds me of the negatives. I guess am trying to stay grounded.
It almost feels like, every cycle you miss, is a missed opportunity of another baby. When you know what the potential outcome is, it’s hard to just shrug it off, and be like oh well here is to next time.
This week has been hard, it’s always hard when James is away, and to be honest I have been so lucky and since Findley died he has only had one full 3 weeks trip away, this being the second. It’s our life and it always has been, James has worked away for years, I think 6 of the 8 we have been together. I used to really enjoy it, now I just wish we were together.
I got my letter from my consultant just to summarise our meeting and future plans, feels really sad not to be in contact with her any more, she really was fantastic during my pregnancy and loss of Robyn. I feel very lucky, and almost wish she had cared for me with Findley, but that another story. In the letter they also said I had group b strep from a routine swab, it’s common in women, and it’s not screened for because screening isn’t reliable, well I didn’t have it in my swabs after Findley, and I likely carry it so just shows you. It was just one more thing that made me go, what next. The biggest risk for group b strep is for delivery and risk to the baby, and we didn’t get to that point. Next pregnancy I will be screened in my third trimester. I actually asked my midwife about group b strep at my 9 weeks appointment.. I swear I have some sort of 6th sense.
Anyway opening Robyn’s letter made me realise that we never did open Findleys, so I dug it out and opened it up. It wasn’t so bad to read because in the end, I knew what it said, and there isn’t anything that can be done now to change the outcome.
I also go my charm from ashes into glass this week, it’s so precious and lovely to have a little bit of Findley and friends with me in my bracelet. I do miss my little boy very much, my memories are starting to appear on my Facebook now, it’s sad seeing them. I do hope one day I will see photos of me pregnant with Findley and remember the happy times, rather than just the sad loss and heart ache.
I have been trying really hard to look after myself this past two weeks, especially with James being away, I have been out running and personal training and walking the dogs. Fresh air and exercise two things good for the soul, however I still am in a funk, I am counting the days down now until I get my rock back. I hope as time passes things get easier, I am ready anxious about Findley first angel birthday approaching. It’s still 3 months away, a lot can happen in 3 months. I had so hoped to be pregnant with my rainbow by then, I know it’s not a race but ask any Angel mummy, it’s all about hope and dreams. However I have now face the reality this is very unlikely and just have to try and come to terms with the fact that it’s okay. My brain and my heart have different view points on this.
I will just continue to try and survive, I have a job interview coming up, and am actually really excited for it. A job I have already wanted to do, but never seen on advertised before. It’s just really hard, am worried that my sick time doesn’t look good. Never been off sick before really, but I know it legitimate reasons for me being off, and am also worried I make a mess of it, however I think from the past year am used to things going wrong and having to deal with it, so am just keeping everything crossed. I have also finally got a meeting with work to discuss my future, I really do want to get back to work, people think oh she’s just home how nice relaxing not having to get up for work. It’s horrible I want to have a normal life, I want to just be like everyone else, working to earn money to enjoy life. I think I miss work even more so when James isn’t here, they days aren’t too long because I fill them but normality is missing.
Life after loss is not an easy journey for anyone, I find myself avoiding my friends because I don’t know how to be around normal people, I find myself jealous of others, and resenting that I have lost both my children in less than a year. I have a focus and a goal that it to have a family. I have a plan around it, and it really is what makes my world turn round. I am fed up of crying all the time, I know it’s only been 7 weeks since Robyn died but it doesn’t make it any easier, I know I am expecting to much of myself to feel fine about it all. My miscarriage of Robyn is a very different journey, I never knew her, I only just started to chat away to her, i didn’t get to bond, yes losing her meant that I lost my hope and it broke my heart holding my tiny baby, but with Findley he was here. There are no what ifs from Robyn no one could have saved her, it’s easier to accept. However Findley is such a different story even though I accept what happened it’s much more difficult to process and losing Robyn has re traumatised my poor brain.
I just keep trying to remain positive and not give up hope, because at the end of the day, hope is all we really have. Nothing else is set is stone, no one can predict the future, until I have no hope left I will keep clinging to it.