Tuesday April 9
I went into town shopping today, I haven’t really seen my friends since Robyn died and I haven’t been shopping for clothes since the week before Findley died. However I really need clothes for my holiday so I arranged to me Laurie for a primark trip.
I woke up feeling so sick this morning, trying to convince myself it could be morning sickness, there is absolutely no chance of this, it’s pure anxiety. I didn’t cry but I was woken by Rosie at 5am for a pee and I struggled to get back to sleep again. I lay in bed just hugging Rosie, I told her I had no idea where I would be if I didn’t have my puppies to cuddle. After pulling myself together, I got up dressed and put my face on, took the dogs for a walk and headed into town. Considering I had tired to cancel this trip three times in 24 hours I was proud of myself for heading in.
Once I met Laurie I didn’t even speak about Robyn I didn’t mention it until Laurie asked if we were going to try again. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to speak about it or if she wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t really answer much, I didn’t feel it was the place, and it took all my concentration to be in the shopping centre and keep my shit together. I hated being in primark it reminded me of the days before Findley died when Katie and I went looking for tops suitable for breast feeding so happy and excited that our babies would be here soon. Me never knowing what the future really healed. I miss being that innocent and happy. I was so happy, so excited I couldn’t wait to be a mummy. I remember that day I didn’t think Findley had moved as much as Seamus but I knew that every baby is different and tried not to worry. Four says later Findley died, it’s still hard to think my baby was dying whilst I shopped. I survived I survived Shopping but I hated it. I didn’t enjoy it, I wasn’t excited for holidays, I just survived. As we started to walk up union street, I started to open up to Laurie about how I was feeling, and how hard today was.
We went for lunch and I though I have to speak about the elephant in the room. I started speaking to Laurie about Robyn and Findley a I felt myself start to cry and she didn’t know what to do, I hate making people feel uncomfortable. I just wish everything was okay. Laurie listened to me speak though everything that has happened and was interested in what I had to say about what had happened to Robyn and what was next for us. I told her our plan. I explained how scary it all was, but no we aren’t giving up yet.
I also spoke about how I felt so alone and how I hadn’t really seen or heard from people much, I know I had been bad at replying but a I don’t know wha to reply. How are you – honestly struggling life’s hard, i am being engulfed by a massive black whole. People keep saying stuff to me like you just have to get to the other side, well tell me this what’s at the other side? I asked the question of the person that text me, they did respond. Laurie explained she just didn’t know what to do, again she has her own stuff going on and I find myself unwilling to off load in to others, especially those who might just have a pitty party. After we finished lunch and I headed home I was so freaking tired. Actually exhausted, I didn’t realise how much it had taken it out of me. My eyes were even tried.
The other day I went for a run up near another one of my friend who I haven’t seen for a while. She has a little daughter, they started trying for their family around the same time as us, and fell pregnant quickly, her pregnancy was high risk and it was traumatic for her, I drove past the end of her road and stopped ever part of me just wanted to drive up to her house and give her a big hug, I sat there for a minutiae and just started crying, I realised I was was scared, scared that if I started to cry I might never stop and how uncomfortable that would make people.
I have to remind myself that it’s only 6 weeks today since Robyn died and I need to just not expect to much of myself, I was still in hiding 6 weeks after Findley died. I think because my body bounced back so quickly after Robyn, I keep thinking it’s been months since she died.
I went to visit Findley memorial today, it looks so beautiful spring has being, I still struggle with it, I should be blossoming with the flowers not withering away. I find myself just crying I miss him so much, i would do anything to be back last year and be able to change the path, but I accept I can’t.
My my loss mummy friends have started a trend every night we text each other 3 positives from the day. It’s a good way of just soul searching to realise, even on the bad days things can be good. I am very grateful for their support, it’s hard to explain how much I can share with people who I haven’t met, but trust and know they totally get me.