Before, I was happy

Thursday 4th April

I was happy before I was pregnant.. I am trying to remind myself if this. I was happy with life before I was pregnant with Findley, I just can’t remember what it felt like.

I mean don’t get me wrong I spent a year moaning at my friend that I would never get pregnant with James working away so much, unless I had an affair, or froze his sperm in ice cube trays. Neither of these things happen, however after 11 months we did get pregnant with Findley.

I threw myself into running and horse riding. Achieved some amazing goals and lost a lot of weight. I was consumed with all this going on, to then also be working full time. This kept me occupied when we were trying.

Now I find myself day after day sitting in the same spot I have sat in for the last year. Although this time last year I was excited for my baby to be joining our family.

I really do feel like part of me is missing, it doesn’t help that James is away working. I feel like am back in 2017 thinking will this ever happen.

I swing from wanting so much to try again, to completely losing hope for ever sitting here with a child in my arms. Totally breaks my heart to think we might never take a baby home. However that is the reality of it all. I try really hard to stay positive, of course we will, don’t give up hope yet. I guess it just been a very long two years with everything that has happened.

I also feel older than I ever have done, 33, years mean am not a OAP or anything but I do think, the massive internal body clock keep screaming at me … your running out of time.

I am also terrified of hearing those words again, of losing yet another baby. If only I had a crystal ball, and I could see that picture of my family in the future. I keep skipping ahead of myself, speaking about IUI so we don’t miss cycles when James isn’t here, or adoption. I often have to ground myself reminding myself it’s been 9 months since Findley was born sleeping and 5 weeks since i miscarried Robyn, give yourself time. This is no a sprint, it’s a marathon.

It’s just such a hard journey, and I honestly feel so alone with it all. Even more so when James is away. I try really hard to just be this strong person that everyone keeps telling me I am. I just feel like I am standing still as the world carried in around me, like in a movie when it’s all blurry but you are just standing still.

I am really looking forward to getting away in holiday, I actually can’t think of anything better than just relaxing with my husband.

Well actually I can, I would Literally give anything to have Findley in my arms, or Robyn in my belly. It’s so hard to explain to people, the whole trying again process it’s part of the grieving process. It’s focus and purpose.

I wish time away at the same time as wishing it would stand still, as the days tick past the further I get from the last time I held my babies, but then I think the Closer I get to getting to hold me next baby.

I think the blog is a dead give away for how my head is constantly, it’s exhausting, it never stops spinning.

I have applied for a few jobs over the last weeks, I really need to get back to work, however it won’t be my current job, I don’t think I will ever feel safe there. I also feel so let down by it all. I said I would leave nursing but actually I have applied for some nursing jobs. Part of me want to retrain, do something different, however reality is I also want to have my family and i am hopeful that it’s not to far in the future.

Life is just so difficult some times