Deflated

1st April 2019

I am so deflated after yesterday, I feel absolutely drained. I kept all my shit together as much as I could.

I can see James struggling, struggling with the fact he can’t take away my pain. We have been here before, but it’s ever harder now. We threw everything into surviving the loss of Findley and there are very few reserves left now for surviving the loss of Robyn. I can’t tell he’s exhausted with trying to make sure I am okay.

The thing is am not okay. People text me “hope your okay” or “how are you doing” my auto response is “not bad thanks you” what I really want to say is ” shit thanks, my body killed my babies and there is nothing I can do to fix it, yet here I am again, obsessively waiting to be able to try again. There isn’t much else for it, as we still want a family”. I can actually hear people saying things like, it’s just takes time, and it’s not been long, or your still young don’t worry, just stop trying and it will happen. Honestly I just want to scream at people who say this shit to me. I know, I know all this. However over two years ago I planted a seed in my head that We wanted a family, and since then it has flourished into a full blown tree, and that want is never going to go away. I have held my baby in my arms twice, yet neither baby did I get to take home. Honestly f**k you world.

I am also exhausted with speaking about wanting more family, I think people are fed of hearing about it, and feck no one is actually going to ever be excited for us again, pure fear is all that exists around pregnancies now.

James also has a check in off shore this week. Part of me is glad that he’s getting back to work, it will help him focus, and it will start the count down to Thailand. I of course will miss him millions, and it will be a lonely place without him here, but we survived before we will survive again. After all I have my two rug rats to keep me company and occupied.

I have occupation health meeting today, blah, this is the first time anyone has seen me face to face in a year. I have been off work for a year at the end of April. I was 28 weeks pregnant when I went off with work related stress. What a year it has been . I really do want to try and get back to work, it just won’t be my current job. I would rather have no money that have to put myself through the fear of going back into that office, and waiting to see what humour people are in each day. No thank you, I have never felt quiet as unappreciated as an employee as I do just now. Will see how today goes, I have no idea what to expect, I don’t even know how long my meeting is meant to be.

So here we stand, 5 weeks since I head those words uttered for the second time in my life, “sorry there is no heart beat”. No idea what’s next, fear of the unknown, trying super hard to see what the future holds, no control or insight into knowing if we will ever take a baby home.

I am trying really hard to stay positive and not worry about anything, just let life happen. Easier said than done unfortunately.