31st March 2019
My first mother’s day.. I woke up this morning and ran through everything in my head. I should have a 8.5month old baby, I should be 21 weeks pregnant, however neither of these babies are still alive.
I asked god if this could be my last Mother’s Day without a baby in my arms. A slightly unrealistic request however still a wish that I would love to come true.
It’s pretty shit, it’s so hard, but I know that there are thousands of other women out there, standing in the same shoes. Wishing they were a mum, wishing their children were still alive, suffering multiple losses.
Am not going to lie, I wish I had my babies here, I don’t really celebrate Mother’s Day, I would give my mum a card etc, but James always goes well out. I asked him not to get me any flowers. I struggle with flowers still, they died, and everything kept dying then I had to throw them out. Instead of flowers I got a lovely card from Findley and Robyn, and a Indian Hess massage with reiki.
Lots of messages today from my friends and family, it’s nice to hear from people, but if my babes hadn’t died then they wouldn’t be messaging me.
Also have hardly heard from anyone for weeks. So it’s even more upsetting to hear from people today of all days. I guess they just want me to know that They are thinking of me.
All in all a pretty sad day, prob one of the harder one to survive, I don’t think Mother’s Day ever used to upset me when we were trying for family, it’s definitely just a reminder of what we have lost now. I think I feel like the world keeps spinning but I am currently standing still.
It’s doesn’t change anything I would still have had Findley and Robyn even if I could fast forward and see all the pain that was to come.