Rewind and reread

20th April 2019

I remember someone saying to me, all the blogs I read around baby loss seem to start of strong and then they stop writing, and I guess that’s me now. I defiantly don’t feel the need to write every day like I did all those weeks ago now. So many weeks now.. where has the time gone, so much has happened. Life is defiantly easier and lighter than it was all those weeks ago.

I reread some of my Blog today, and it made me realise just how far I have come. Some days just feel why am I not “over” this yet, why can’t I get on with life, however I actually have done all this, I just some times don’t realise it. Like I say time and time again, I will never get over losing my son but I defiantly am learning how to live without him by my side, and what happened to us.

Getting pregnant again with Robyn brought hope back into my life, and even though she also couldn’t stay, that hope has still remains, I don’t really think I realised that until the last few days, but it has. I still have hope that life is going to be okay, it’s all going to come together, it will make sense one day. I will look back and say it was all worth it the pain.

I recently met another angel mummy who is local, it’s really nice to have someone else near by. We have met a few times for a walk and cakes, as I listen to her speak around her journey, it’s been 8 weeks since her gorgeous little boy earned his wings, I find myself vigorously nodding my head, totally get you, it’s totally okay, and it’s normal, well am saying it’s normal, it seems to be how the journey goes. It’s funny how we pull together into this loss community, but I seriously couldn’t survive without it. Being able to send a text, that to any of my other friends, would seem mad, and get a response that make me feel supported and less alone. It’s also all the little things we do for each other, we all honour each other’s babies. I have all the girls saved in my phone as – name – baby’s name mummy – so if I saved my own name it’s Jan – Findley Mummy. It like honouring their babies. Also speaking about our babies every day. Today one of my loss mummy’s posted a photo on Instagram of cakes she had made, and on one of those cakes sat my children’s names, it’s warmed me to the very core, and I could feel the love.

a club that no one wants to be part of but everyone one of us is glad to have.

This week has been one of big firsts, it’s the first time I have moved forward my future plans at work, the first time I met my new union rep and the first time I have been for a job interview. It was also the first time I had gone to a super market and used a trolly without the fear of seeing anyone and having to run.

The interviews went really well, and I felt confident and realised how much I love working and am passionate about helping people. I will not give up on my dreams just yet, however I didn’t get the posts I interviews for, I did get amazing feed back, and I came across well. To hear someone say they would love to have me in their team, really did bring a smile to my face. I wasn’t sure how I would bring up the whole being off work and baby loss. I didn’t want to not tell the interview panel, although I could have not, there is nothing saying I have to, however I wanted to, so I did, I was worried I wouldn’t find an opportunity to say anything. It’s not like you can blurt our, my baby died. However when they asked me if I was having to return to work that day, it gave me the opportunity, and I proudly told them about my little boy. I have no fear of sharing his story, and I will honour him forever, to some his memory will fade but I will always ensure I keep him alive. I think they appreciated my honesty. I didn’t want them to think I had only applied for the job for this reason either, I hoped they realised I was indeed passionate about it.

So although I wasn’t successful, I get like me again sitting there telling them all how amazing I was at my job, selling myself, and saying here I am, This is me. I also really enjoyed having to research and read for the interview. I love learning new things and being occupied, and it defiantly reinforced I am a) ready to get back to work b) ready for a career change, but I am not moving away from my nursing and especially the education side of it. I am not giving up!

So I guess my point was, even though some days feel like the worst days ever, in fact they are no where near as dark as they were 9 months ago even 6 months ago, each day is lighter, and each day I learn I have lived a little bit more, and I shine a little bit brighter.

Today I spent the morning with Laura and we had brilliant walk/run adventure in the hills, where I started to ask about making plans for more adventures, managing to live slightly ahead of today, but not to far as I used to.