Consultant feedback take 2

Wednesday 20th March

We are so lucky to have an amazing consultant looking after our care, today we got initial feedback from tests after Robyn died, mostly normal. The cord we knew about but one results wasn’t normal, my consultant haD mentioned that she though that I might have sticky blood, and one of the results. I have to get my bloods repeated in 3 months but she will treat me as if it’s positive even if it’s not confirmed. So although the cord was tightly wound, it might have been so because Robyn was in destress because she want getting what she needed through the placenta.

This might sound so morbid but there is a little bit of me that takes comfort in thinking that Robyn might have had to die before we can take our baby home, and that she was never meant for this earth. however it’s hard to hear her say that she could argue that Findley could have been saved.

I am absolutely terrified of being back in this boat again, and knowing that I might have this blood condition which is what’s causing my losses. What do you do? My consultant said not to give up hope yet, that she thinks with the plans she has that next pregnancy could end with a baby, however, there is absolutely no guarantees. I feel like am on a cliff edge someone holding onto the end of my jacket. Do we take a leap of faith and try again, or do we stop torturing ourself?

I am so fed up of talking about it all, talking about trying again, I haven’t even spoken to any of my friends recently because am sure they are also fed up of hearing about it. I don’t want to hear people tell me, it just takes time, or it will happen when it happens.

When I think back now when we were trying for Findley I used to find myself jealous of pregnant people, or people who has taken home their babies, imagine how I feel now having lost two of my own babies. Screw you universe 🖕🏻. Is it a message saying your never going to have living children, or is it just bad luck?

So I guess we have answers and a plan. I am to take aspirin and folic acid as soon as we start to try again and as soon as I get a positive pregnancy test then I will be started in Heparin. No just to decided if we take a leap of faith.