Walk your own journey

Sunday 17th March

3 weeks, where has the time gone this time 3 weeks ago I was 16 weeks pregnant, now I am but 1in4.

So I had a light bulb this last few days, after I lost Findley I desperately search google to find others in my position, I needed to know that everything was going to be okay. Now 8 months down the road, today, actually 8 months to the day that my little boy was born, crazy, anyway yes I find myself sitting searching google for mums in my potions, please tell me it’s all going to be okay. Google pregnancy after miscarriage, fertility after miscarriage…

Well actually this is my journey and my story, and I must not compare it to others. Not one other women on this planet walks in my body. I know my body like the back of my hand, and I know that she will definitely help me achieve our destiny one way or another. I have no fear, I just lack the ability to allow the time to pass.

When I saw Maureen she said to me, you can not hang onto this child as another is to come. Well fuck it I chose to believe this, and I chose this time to let time flow, yes I am desperate to have my next baby in my arms, but my god I have to give it time. I know that when the time is right it will happen. It won’t go past me, like I said already, one more try, not giving up yet. I can hear the whisper of Mother Nature in my year, be still young child, your time is time come, let the water flow.

I can’t compare myself to those lucky mummies with their rainbows in their bellies or arm, because they are not me, out there sit many a mummy wishing for their rainbows, or even just their first two lines on that test.

Today I sat with my mum and James speaking about Kenya, I can not wait to get on that plane with my mum and turn right, to be able to experience with her, the first ever business class flight, to celebrate our once and a life time holiday together. I think it’s going to be amazing, just to spend that mother daughter time together. With nothing to do, no lorry to clean, horses to feed, rugs to sort, horses to prep for shows, nerves to settle, just us and our time together. Now I sit and thing, if Findley and Robyn where here I wouldn’t get this holiday, I wouldn’t get this once in a life time chance with my mum. So I guess I can be thankful for this time, however sad the circumstance are.

The same goes for Thailand, as James and me have spent all weekend trying to pick a hotel for our trip in a few weeks, again we wouldn’t be getting this holiday if Findley was here or if Robyn was still cozy in my tummy. Now don’t get me wrong I would give anything to have my babies, but I am defiantly a believer in everything happening for some reason. Not that babies should die, and I don’t think that god or anyone could tell me a good enough reason for me ever to fully understand, but I hope in a few years I will sit here, in our family home and understand what I had to give up, to achieve my dreams.

So I guess my message today is, it’s your life, it’s your journey and don’t compare yourself to others. So what if people are having their rainbows before you, do what if other find it easier to have their family, take hope from their journey, think how lucky they are, remember that you have your own time line. Enjoy it, embrace it, I am a proud mummy to two angels, I am one lucky women to have them looking over me.

I also hope that people reading this understand how a angel mums mind works, not all of us, but so many of us just want our families. Not to replace our angels but because this is our time in our life where we have made that choice, and that seed has been sown, it’s grows big and strong and until our family is safely with us, it continues to be a very big important part of our purpose on this earth.

And when I say letting go of what we can’t change, I don’t mean my babies, I mean the fact the are not here with me . I can’t change it …

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