Friday 15th March
For some reason the date today means something but I have no idea what it is.
So today I have been trying to figure out why am so distant from my friends. I realised it’s because a lot of them define me by my loss.
Yes I am a grieving mummy of a little boy and girl but that is not all I am, I am still me. I am a mother, a wife, a sister, daughter and granddaughter. I am a horse rider, a nurse and a runner, I have a past and I have a future and I do not like that when people speak to me they define me by my loss. I am a surviver and I am strong but I am not just a grieving mother.
When people say to me, it’s nice to see you out, am not hiding from anyone am here. If people want to see me and am few fab, if not then also fab.
When people define me as a grieving mother they put a label onto me and treat me a certain way. I understand people hurt for our loss, I hurt our loss, however to survive and move forward I need to live and to live I need to not be defined by that poor lady who lost he babies. I am happy to support and be support by my warrior mummies, those who have loved and lost are definitely my emergency cord, I am also happy for people to say ” I know a lady who lost her son and daughter, she survived” I also hope to be one of those happy stories one day in the near future.
I wish people would treat me as the used to, I wish they would speak to me as they used to. Yes some days are harder and some day I might need a shoulder to cry on, and I might need you to listen to my stories about how I lost my babies and how I desperately want to still be a mummy, and I might ask you to help me grab onto that hope and tell me it’s all going to be okay. Listen to me moan and worry, however I am still me.
Just remember none of us are defined by one thing, we all have different strengths and weaknesses.
So when I feel lost am going to remind myself, I am not defined by my loss, or what feels like in ability to carry and give birth to a living child, I am defined by many more achievements that just this. I had a life before loss, and I must have a life after