Defiantly not okay

Wednesday 13th March

I have had the worst day today so far since losing Robyn, I didn’t get out of bed till 11am and am already back in it again.

I am really struggling to let go of this pregnancy, I keep thinking I should be 18 weeks pregnant . all I can really do is look after me, and even that am doing a shit job of today.

I keep thinking how it was all okay and then it’s just gone. I just find it so bloody hard to keep hold of hope right now, I feel like my fingers are just clinging to it and no more.

Also pissed of that I have nothing to do with my life, because work has been so rubbish at sorting out everything I am still off because of work related stress. I need some purpose in life again. I just don’t know what it’s going to be.

My purpose was having findley, then it was surviving, then it was trying for baby law no2, then it was growing Robyn, now am like.. what’s next.

I want some normality back in my life, but I have to figure out what that normality consist of.

So as I try to figure that out today has not been a good day, but thats okay, like I said it’s okay not to be okay, and today was just a survival day.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. I keep trying to remind myself I have James and I how lucky I am to have him and the pups. I really need to try and just find a little bit more hope, and that will hopefully give me strength.