Tuesday 26th March
Eek a month, time is completely slipping away. Yesterday should have been Robyn’s 20 weeks scan, I woke up and it hit me, should have been, would have been, could have been. However it is not.
I have been trying really hard the last few weeks to try and get back in control of who I am. I can’t control much other than looking after me, it’s like when your baby dies you just want to control as much as you can.
The last week has been really hard, with consultants feedback on Wednesday, we then headed to town on Thursday to the cinema, first time since the day Findley died, lots of first and it was shitty. Although when I sat watching the film it was like for that few hours my pain disappeared, however then it came back and hit my like a brick. Sitting having lunch after I started to cry, then I feel bad because poor James, all he wants is for me to be okay. I cried so hard on the Thursday night, Ugly crying, I remember hearing myself and thinking who is making that noise. Then all this things start to run through my head, like – what if we just had never gotten pregnant would it be more or less painful. Then I cry for feeling terrible for even thinking that because I love my children so much.
It also dawns on me that in just under 4 months it will be Findley first birthday, wow can’t wait for that rollercoaster. All the points leading up to his death. Just rubbish. I joked with James asking if our next baby can please be a winter baby, to be honest I would take what ever I am given, but I think humour gets us though.
I am so pissed of at my employers as well, if all the stuff from before Findley was born had been sorted out as is should have been, I would be back at work again by now. Instead of sitting around the house trying to fill my day. It’s so frustrating I need purpose in my life, and as many of you will know that structure and involves things like work. However because nothing has been done since April last year and the excuse of Findley’s death being the reason why, it just gets me so mad!! Why can’t they follow their own policies? Either way am still signed off and it’s frustrating me, I can’t even do any volunteer work. To top it off they tried to blame my losses for me being off, em no, nothing to do with it at all, I was off long before Findley died.
Of course is mother’s day on Sunday, my first one as a mummy, yet no child here to celebrate with. I could happily just let the day slide past. My plan is a takeaway and the F1 with my amazing husband.
Every morning is like ground hog day, I wake up and remember what has happened to us, and am done with fighting, some times it’s hard to even just survive, it’s like constantly swimming up stream. Having had two losses make it none the worse, I think I just have start all over again. James describes it as being back at the start line, I describe it like being on the bus trying to get back to the start line.
People that read this religiously will know how tormented i was after Findley was born waiting for my Cycle to return, well am back in that hamster wheel again. Although my consultant reassured me that it should only be 4-6 weeks after Robyn was born, I have very little faith in my body actually behaving it self.
So yes we have decided that we will try again, like I have said before the fear of not having a living child is greater than the fear of another loss. Although we still have to wait to try again, I also won’t be able to chase James across the world, so will have to accept that it’s not going to be “straight forward”. Hey but who’s journey is straight forward?
People might read this and think we are nuts, people told me we were brave last time, brave but the right think to do. A strange sentence.
All I need to do now is try and figure how I survive everything until I can obsess over trying again. I have always been honest on here, and it is an obsession there is no doubt about it, and anyone trying for a baby will tell you that, unless they are the ones who’s husbands just look at them and they are pregnant. It’s really does take over you life, the trick I found was to bury myself in work, running and horses. Well work is out, running isn’t so bad, I have actually started again, and horses are out until I loose at least two stone.
However once James goes back to work I might find myself back at the horses again, poo picking grooming trying to fill my day in. I also have the fight to continue at work. I have ohs on Monday, they actually care enough to want to see me this time. (Can you tell I hate them all) so much distrust for how I have been treated!
Anyway that’s my rant for today.. I shall finish with a sexy running selfie!