Sunday 10th March
I am so intolerant of this phase after loss where you can move forward, this time is obviously given to us to allow time for healing, but my god I hate not being able to move forward.
It’s like you can just start over again, I read back my blog from 14 days after Findley died but it’s not the same really. However the feeling that each day is the same is. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning awake from 6.30am after having another weird dream, I just wanted to fall back asleep and let my spirt guides show me what what the future holds. It’s bit because I want to hide fro maybe world or anything, it’s because I can’t be bothered with just reliving it all. I still want to be a mummy but I can see purpose in life even without this.
I lay in bed this morning with my hands on my tummy and said to James Robyn shout still be in here, nice and safe, and I should be able to feel her kicking around and my tummy should be growing a beautiful bump, but she’s not in there anymore, it’s empty, and the physical healing is just so irritating. I guess it’s just a reminder of what you have been through. To think two weeks ago I was just starting to worry about my scan the next day. Although I had cried a lot that day. I started a blog but never published it. I was feeling guilty about moving forward with life and it still hurt that I was leaving Findley behind.
It’s not something you ever get over, I mean I have learnt how to live without Findley and I haven’t learned how to live with Robyn yet, I was still accepting the pregnancy I and the wriggling around. I was only 16 weeks not 38. However there is something about your future being snatched away, again, that results in the feeling of just not wanting to her out of bed.
I sit again just wanting to know that we will have family in our home. I started to dream about a little girl on a wooden kitchen floor, I was telling her about her little brother and sister. It wasn’t our house it was big light and airy. The little girl was around 2, and as I stood up I had a baby bump. I kept waking up at this point. I guess I hope that this is a true dream.
One thing, I look back and am so glad I have no regrets with Robyn, there are no what ifs, or maybes. There was nothing that could have been done to save her.
I mentioned the other day about just wanting to be able to pick myself up and carry on the road. However I now think I might have to back track and take another turn to change my path slightly.
I am defiantly struggling with the fact that this time last year we were blissfully happy, Watching my belly grow with our little boy inside, no idea what was to come. A good think am sure, I think having to worry about something for a pregnancy is hard. I mean it was hard enough with worry about loss.