Anxious

I woke up this morning with a horrible feeling of impending doom and anxiousness. I don’t know why or what was going on in my head, it was horrible, I could hardly catch my breath.

I know I had been dreaming about the future and a friend was telling me all the things I had to do, to be able to have more children, but I was saying no, no, I didn’t have to do any of that to get pregnant with Robyn and Findley.

My poor brain is so tired, I was glad to have James next to me to give me a cuddle. I just feel like am back in that rollercoaster, an I normally like a adrenaline ride, but this I hate, one minute am fine and it’s all okay, then down at the bottom thinking, feck how do you survive this again! How did we get back here. So I just cry, and cry and then I feel better. It’s so different, I feel like I know this road and the direction I need to go, so I grab my bag and off we go! Follow the yellow brick road kinda way!

So no hiding away, not that I am feeling particularly social, I just can’t really be bothered. I am still using my warrior mummies as a massive crutch, and feel I need to keep getting reassurance from them it will be okay. They say it and know what it means, no one is going to turn round to me and say, nope, you won’t ever take a baby home. However it feel coming for “normals” it’s Just what people say.

So I have had a nice week of pampering, nails done, pedicure done, and hair done today. I have even booked in for an Indian head massage this weekend, although am tempted to change it to reflexology just for the healing aspect of it all. However I tried everything to get my cycle back when I lost Findley and it still took 12 weeks to the day he died, so I just think feck if, your body is clever let it sort itself out, make sure your are okay.

I have had so much lovely messages today from friend around international women’s day, it has brought a fair few tears thought.

it’s so true women are strong, but my god my husband is one of the strongest people I know, and without him I don’t know where I would be, a drift that’s where I would be. So yes big up the women, but let’s not forget that behind some Strong women stands a strong man and only together could they help each other stay standing tall and strong.

I had a lovely message from another warrior mummy today, reaching out to say sorry for my loss, she told me that my blog had helped her and given her hope. I can’t even tell you how much it means to hear someone say that. I use this to help me with my grief and as part of my therapy, but I know when I lost Findley, even since I have lost Robyn, I googled to look for others who has survived and lived to tell their story to take hope and strength from them.

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