Hard memories

Saturday 9th March

My memory on Facebook today about my announcement of my pregnancy with Findley last year, I was 21/22 weeks and I should be 18 weeks with Robyn, one of those really lucky loss mummies to fall pregnant so quickly after our loss with Findley, felt like years but reality was it was 5 months, some of my mummy warriors friends took 3 months some took 1year, Some are still trying, it’s all just luck.

I feel very very lucky and I wouldn’t change any of it, it’s just sucks to be back here again.

It’s been a very emotional day, I tired hard to hide it from James, I know me being upset upsets him, but he’s not stupid he knows when am not okay. I keep thinking my life is running away from me but it’s not, we still have a good few years left. I know that this isn’t the end of our journey, it’s just another chapter.

I am tempted to think that someone has a voodoo doll of me sticking pins in me, we have had a hard few years, I asked James if he thinks the house is bad luck but we conceived both or babies here so no that good Luck.

I really want to be skinny again, I was down to size 12/14 prior to falling pregnant with Findley and although am not the heaviest I have ever been, I am not that far away from it. Prob about 2 stone more and I will be back in 2015. I have 6 weeks till we go to Thailand so I recon I can loss a stone at least in that time, I know I will enjoy my holiday better if I am more Comfortable with me. Plus when we do try again I want to be as fit as I can be. High BMI is a risk in pregnancy and I don’t need an extra risk.

I just feel like I need some focus when we decided to try for a family I had my running and my evening and I completely filled my life with if, I need something else to focus on again, so when I didn’t pregnant those months of trying, I was like oh it’s okay I have an event next month, or it’s okay I have a race next month. I am not overly interested in the horse yet, I need to be at least 2 stone lighter before I even think about getting back on the horse, and running well I will get back to it but am just thinking it will be easier with a little less body fat.

So here is my goal for March, loss a stone!! I recon I can do it, but Monday morning it’s two weeks since Robyn died, that me given myself two easy week of allowing myself to do what I want abs eat what I want. Starting Monday I am setting out on my goal. I would far rather be pregnant taking care of Robyn or be looking after Findley than be worrying about losing weight, but it is what it is, and life moves forward.