Jealousy

Thursday 7th March

When I see posts of Facebook of people’s children some times it gives me hope for what is to come. Other times I am jealous to the core, but mostly it a reminder of what is missing from my life and what we won’t ever experience.

I will never have the opportunity to get take Findley or Robyn to playgroup, or tots, or get them ready for world book day, or take them to their first day at school. James will never walk Robyn down the isle and teach Findley now to shave.

I have a few loss mummies who are pregnant just now and today I am insanely jealous of them right now, but then I know that their journey isn’t easy and they are all having their own battles. Then the jealousy subsided and I hate that I can’t speak to them anymore, that I can’t enjoy their journey with them. There are not messages full of bump photos and moans over sickness and constipation.

So many people have come forward to support us, and I am so grateful for everyone. I hate how much I feel like I am lost and James keeps saying to me it’s just isn’t our time yet, but it will be, and it seems a million miles away, but it’s really not that far away. Once we get their it will be worth while. I am so lucky I know I keep saying this, my husband is amazing.

I am one lucky mummy to have two angels watching over me. I know they can only keep me so safe, and I know that Findley would have done everything he could to protect his little sister. It’s so heart breaking to be back here and to have loss again.

I guess it important to remember what I have got, and not concentrate on what I don’t have. I won’t give up hope for what i desire, and I know that my body is clever and will sort itself out, I just need to look after me and James, and we will come out the other side of this.

We are stronger than we will ever realise.