The need

Waking up in the morning isn’t like when I lost Findley I don’t have to remind myself that we had a miscarriage, I just lay and think about the journey ahead. Anyone one who has lost a child and wants to try again knows if the need to control as much as possible. Well I was a crazy lady after Findley died and I don’t think I can even think of surviving that again. Although we aren’t done trying for our family, and every single part of my brain in screaming to just go again, there is a little something just saying to me, trust in your body look after yourself it will decide.

It might have only been 8 days since Robyn died and lots of people will be like seriously your already thinking about trying again, but hope is all I have left, and without hope I have nothing. So I cling to hope, that one day we will take a baby home and our house will be messy and loud.

I kinda wish I was 10 years younger I might not feel so much pressure at 23 as I do at 33 my internal body clock screaming at me !! Tick tick!! Now I know there are plenty of older mums out there but it’s just when your in this situation you can see the end of the runway approaching.

So I went to see physic today and she told me my little girl is still to come and not to give up hope, I will take a baby home. That all I really took home. My friend Lesley has more message for me, I was so grateful for her messages around Findley and Robyn.

I feel more at ease and I feel like it’s okay and we will be okay. Zoe Clark-Coates is an author and if you haven’t heard of her and you have had a loss, he book is good it’s all about surviving the first 90 days of loss, and her story of loss, it’s nice to not feel alone. I don’t know anyone else who has had a stillbirth and a late miscarriage, I know people have but I feel why me.

I went to get my waxing done today and it felt fine being out myself, am defo coping with this loss Better than I did with Findley but I need to start speaking to my friends, because I have still got a barrier up, if they haven’t had a loss am avoiding them. Can’t tell you why, I feel terrible but I just feel like i don’t want to drag them back into my sadness.

Someone said to me they felt like reading my blog was invading my privacy but I really do want to share my journey, it helped me and if it helps others that’s amazing too. I would love to write a book or go on to promote babyloss awareness. I think loss it hard enough without the stigma that is attached to it.

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