love

Tuesday 5th March

A week has passed since Robyn was born, and I love how as soon as I type ro… into my phone it automatically populates Robyn šŸ’‹.

I had a really emotional day yesterday, Elle called to tell us that Robyn was our little girl, and that initial viewing shows a long very twisted cord which could be cause of death as it was tight enough wound to stop flow. I mean fuck me, bad luck again, I can’t even get my head round it. I knew Robyn liked to party because I had felt her move first before my 12 week scan. We still have the rest of our results to come, and it might just be a coincidence, but we will have to wait and see. My head is spinning.

I also had my therapist yesterday and it was a very emotional session. It just wore me out. After therapy Katie came round and spoke of her loss with me. She always gives me hope, she’s such an upbeat person always looking at the bright side. Although when I asked about Seamus and she spoke about weening my heart sunk, it hurt so much to be reminded of where we should be, never mind having just lost our second baby.

I kept saying that I can’t see any point in life without my family and that all I want now, it’s become an obsession, however I have realised over the past few days how much my husband means to me, and I don’t think he even know. I can survive without family, even though it will be hard to come to terms with, and we aren’t there yet, as long as I have him. When I cry he holds me, he listen to me break my heart and I can see his heart breaking too. I am so so lucky to have him in my life.

I don’t even know how I ended up having such luck, he just makes me feel like I am the most important thing in the universe, and I know that as long as we have each other we have love.

So even though I feel very unlucky with having lost my babies, I have so much luck with James. Without James I wouldn’t have my babes. He’s also no where near ready to give up on this journey. Thank god because it’s a rocky road.

I bought some charms for my Pandora for Robyn and lovely R and a baby and mummy bird. I also bought a heart clasp, but I have returned it for a daughter heart. My Pandora is so important to me, and something I can hand down the generations.

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