4th March 2019

I woke up this morning from the strangest ever dream to have to remember everything that had happened. That I was pregnant and that Robyn died and that I held her on my chest. My dream was about being out partying and in my head I wanted another baby, someone offered to take me home, then I woke up, what a weird dream.

Once I was awake I had to run through everything in my head. Around loss and the path it has taken us.

Am so very scared, I can hear my therapist in my head, stop looking so far ahead live in the here and now. Deal with the emotions stop hiding from them in the future.

However I am so very scared, my biggest fear is never taking our living child home, not being able to finish what we started, being unable to create life. We so want a family. However then am scared that I won’t ever get pregnant again, and am scared of what will happen if I ever do. There isn’t an option we know we want to try again when the time is right.

crazy as fuck right, who puts them selves through this much hurt, with Findley we thought it was bad luck and that they just missed him struggling, he was a big baby for a small placenta. However Robyn dying has given them more in sigh and they think actually Findley small placenta might have been what saved him, as it didn’t have to work so hard to keep him alive, until it just couldn’t any more.

I wrote back in August about going to see someone who told me not to worry and not to wait to try. That she saw a little girl coming our way soon, and that nothing like what happened to Findley would happen to us again. Well I set my heart on this and now worry that little Robyn was my little girl and she died. Then I remembered as I was leaving she said to me, I can see two more babies in your future but I can definitely see a little girl do not worry. I want to now obviously make sense of it all and think the reason why two was because without Robyn we wouldn’t know what we know now, and be able to have the right plan in place to make sure that we have the best chance of taking our next baby home. I remember she said 2020 would be an amazing year for us, well that’s not that far away. However I am still petrified that Robyn is my little girl she saw me taking home, and I will never get the chance again.

So what’s the sensible thing to do, live in the here and now and just wait for the future, what am I going to do, go back and see what if any there is to be seen in my future now Robyn has arrived into our lives. I feel slightly crazy but I feel like it’s something I must do for me.

I spent most of yesterday just crying randomly for me, for us, and for what we have lost. The dread the phone call this week they are going to let us know Robyn’s sex, and any obviously defects. I am torn between hoping its something so completely different from Findley to something identical, I don’t know what’s more scary. My results were all so perfect last time that’s when they though Findley was just bad luck, so to speak.

I still can’t believe that it’s already been 7 days since I had my scan, it’s crazy how quickly time has passed. I still feel like it yesterday I am looking at the screen grabbing Rachs hand thinking to my self why is my baby so still, is there even a heart beat? Every time I think of it, rips through me like a tornado. How could I be so stupid to think that my pregnancy would be plan sailing. What an idiot. I was excited that my consultant might seen babies sex, and be able to go away and buy an out fit, instead of having to make those dreaded phone call again go people. What a life, I feel like a victim, you wouldn’t even wish this ok your worst enemy, however I wouldn’t change a thing! I love my two babies and would give my life for them over and over again!

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