A drift

Sunday 3rd March

I have woken up this morning completely adrift in a sea of Turmoil, I remember being here last time. Here starts the questions, why, why me again, why us, what did I do, will I ever take a live child home? Will we ever heal from these two losses.

It honestly feels like history is repeating itself, and am sure many people who have had losses feel the same. What do I do next, where do we go now. Well we are confident with one thing that we have one last fight left in us. I keep telling myself one day I will look back at this and it will all have been worth the pain, and torture.

I trust my body and i know when the time is right we will see those two lines, and I know that when that happens my consultant will do everything in her power to help us take our little one home.

Last year I would have said that road is so long and far away but I am trying not to focus on it to much. I am trying to deal with the present and then pain I face daily.

I am grateful that the physical side of healing is a lot less than after Findleys birth, as Robyn really was just a tiny toot. However the mental recovery from this will take time, and I am not a very patient person.

I will admit to not having the same influx of sorrys and cards (thankfully) this time round and that I personally have avoided my closest friends that aren’t already in the baby loss club, because I can’t handle their pain as well as mine own.

All my hopes and dreams have been shattered and I am back in the land of limbo, waiting for my number to be called again, happiness this way please.

I did some research on what’s consultant think I might have and I really do fit then criteria bar my bloods being fine. so each pregnant I have there is the same risk of my placenta not functioning effectively however managed properly should result in a baby born alive, even if it’s pre term.

Am willing to accept the 72% chance the research gives me and the 80% success rate my consultant has, those risks are there and clear.

I have given myself the weekend to just rest I need to just rest, I don’t want to see anyone and I don’t want to speak to anyone I just want to continue to survive because before long I will be living again and until then my husband and me have each other to lean on.

I keep hoping and praying that if Robyn did have a little soul, that Findley is with them and they are looking after each other. I wont lie the pull to be with the is strong but the pull try stay here and keep fighting is stronger.

It’s like playing a computer game and losing a life but it’s not game over yet

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