What’s next

2nd March 2019

I got home yesterday, I was so exhausted, after a general anaesthetic on Thursday and all the codine and morphing over the past 5 days, I feel like rehab would be an option.

General anaesthetic always knocks me side ways, and I find myself very emotional after it all. I slept from 9.30pm-8.30am today. Bless James is still asleep next to neXt to me, i forget how much it takes out of them.

We sat and spoke about what next last night, I cried and laughter at the though of the over whelming want to try again. I must be fucken nuts. I have given birth to two babes in the last 7 months both of whom has died in my womb. My consultant truly can find anything physically wrong with me, bar the fact that I may have slightly sticker blood than others. However she is confident with her treatment plan we have an 80% chance of bringing our next baby home. She doesn’t think we should give up yet.

Don’t get me wrong we aren’t trying just now.. man we aren’t mental, I have a lot of physical and mental healing to do, but I guess the conversations have to be had. I think it come back to the fear versus growing. See what fears you and do it anyway.

The fear of never taking a living baby home is massive. I am jealous of people and there babes, but not in a horrible way, I just wish I was aloud to have that happiness too.

It’s not the same as losing Findley, this loss is very different and I don’t have any what ifs this time round. There was nothing anyone could have done to save this little toot.

I still can’t get over the love and pain I felt for Robyn when I first held them. (I wish I knew I’d Robyn was a boy or a girl) I think a little girl was James thinks a little boy. It was just a rush of, oh my precious baby and the pain that my precious baby hasn’t survived.

However the face that I have lost my innocence around about baby loss, it definitely was so hard to say good bye and accept what has happened. It also was not easy though.

I often wonder if life what I ever did to deserve this horrible things to happen to me, it really does make you think you are being punished for something. When really it is just bad luck that this is the card Mother Nature has given you. So a few weeks of r&r is required including a holiday somewhere nice and relaxing will do us the world of good.

Then I guess we hit the reset button forget the fear, the what ifs and the pain, and when we are ready try again.

I really regret nothing in this life, there is nothing to regret, I have two beautiful children in heaven and an amazing husband by my wide. I refuse to ever have regrets in this world because it is what it is. We are set on our paths and we can chose which route to follow but we will always end up where we are meant to be.

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