28th February 2019
I can here the birds tweeting away outside as the sun starts to rise. Last night I had a sleeping tablet and although I have some very vivid, sometimes very sad dreams, I am grateful to be feeling refreshed and ready to go today.
One of the dreams last night I was walking through a church with big glass windows and as I walked past I turned to look in the window, and in the reflection my arms held the most beautiful little blonde haired boy clinging to me like a monkey, prob around 7/8 months old. Cheeky little face, teddy in one hand. I felt myself crying in my sleep and James woke me up. My precious little Findley, I am not sure if he would have been blonde or not but I guess in my head he is.
I don’t know if it’s just all triggers, but there is something very heart breaking and heart filling when I have these vivid images of my son.
Last night the amazing midwife was on, she was the member of staff who looked after me the night Findley died, I remember how heartfelt she was. I found it touching that she spoke of Findley and didn’t avoid the subject, and share how sorry she was for us. I have found that the support is amazing here, and the fact that people remember us and Findley also has a memory here. I don’t know if that makes sense. Even the Domestic was telling me the story of how my son changed her life and how she was heart broken to see us back her. She told me if his she was just back from maternity leave when Findley has died and she came into our room, and I asked her if she was okay, she said she left crying and cried so hard, she realised how lucky she is in life and how lucky she was to have here family. It was so touching to hear her raw honest journey that had resulted in meeting our son.
There is something about these people who I have only ever met briefly, who have met 100s of other people on the time between Findley being born and Robyn leaving us, yet they remember my son, and remember our journey. The staff really are something else here.
It’s theatre today, I have some retained placenta/products/afterbirth, and Is the quickest and easiest way to avoid infection or excessive bleeding. My consultant was amazing talking me through my options, I was a little confused as my experience from the sands forum was that retained products are better off removed but I felt I was being swayed just to leave it. So I asked to speak to my consultant about it. I can’t even explain how much confidence she gives us. I feel so lucky go have her looking after us, I feel safe.
So as we wait. We are making some plans, this time it booking a trip to Thailand in a few weeks. Then looking at some more adventures. Don’t worry though we haven’t given up on having more family yet, however it’s time to just put us first for a we while and let what will be, be.
I am one hell of a lucky women to have such an amazing husband, he’s stronger than he will ever realise, but shows his emotions without hesitating. I know he’s scared scared for me. We are soul mates I think, I don’t think one could survive without the other.
I am definitely finding it hard to speak to my friends this time round. I think it’s the hurt and pain that the carry for me. I have definitely pulled heavenly onto my loss mummy’s emergency cords. My soul sister and Claire have been rocks for me. Rach as always has been here every step of the way, I hope that one day she will be involved with happy times around my Pregnancy, but what will be will be.Every single angel mum I have met have been amazing during this loss, it’s like they have knitted together a parachute for me, and are helping me land safely.
Anyway I think I have rambled on enough for just now. Thank you for everyone who been taking the time to read our story. I am still shocked by the response, and amount of people who follow this.