Tuesday 27th February
Last night little baby Robyn arrived into this world, the tiniest little toot I have ever seen, I was so scared when they had arrived and the midwife asked me, would you like to see your baby? I don’t know if it’s a mother intuition but as soon as I had calmed my breathing, it was an automatic yes.
Four months of happiness, and hope, belief and courage lay on my chest, I was scared to move, such a delicate little baby, with Daddy’s nose. I would have rather loved and lost than never loved at all. I have said this before and say it again. I am proud mummy to two beautiful babies, who grew their wings too soon.
There is definitely a different feeling around Robyn’s miscarriage to Findley still birth, this time I don’t have any what ifs, and I know we did everything we could to try and take this little one into the world. I carried Robyn as safe as I could for as long as I could. I fought hard and I will continue to fight.
I think is also less scary for a few reasons, firstly I have seen helps and kissed a dead baby before, and miscarriage is so much more common. I know there are so many more women out there who have lost their babies through miscarriages.
As Robyn lay on my chest I just couldn’t take my eyes of then, how I long for you to still be in my tummy, but how lucky I am to meet you.
The team in Rubislaw as always were amazing, so much dignity and respect for us all. Robyn was placed into a little bed, hand made and donated by some amazing talented soul, who I wish I could reach out and tell how much it means to me to see my little baby so comfy and cosy tucked in safe and sound. I picked the little bed up and gently placed my lips into Robyn’s forehead. What an amazing rush of love, there is nothing, not one tiny bit of anything I have every experienced in the world that could even replicate the love I have for my children. My heart doesn’t care if my baby has died it still loves them without any compromise.
I am no longer scared of what lies before me, I have learned when it comes to loss, all I can do it make memories to treasure forever and take them with me forever, I know deep down no matter what happens to me in the future, even if I end up with dementia my memories isn’t little babies will be locked safely away and I will be able to recall them.
I made myself a vow, I will never do anything that doesn’t make me happy, not even to try and find normality in life.
I don’t even know at what age little babes gain a soul,we tried to decide, is it from the moment that their little heart start to flicker. I guess that we can decide with what ever we want. This is our journey after all.
My god the love and support coming from everyone around me is amazing, I am sure it was there with Findley but I think I am maybe in a better position this time to be able to appreciate it all. It really is true we have survived the worst and will survive what ever the world throws at us, we will just do it, doing the things we love.