Day two take two…

I feel like I want to start with Day 2… but I already did that 7 months ago. So I guess it’s day 2 take 2.

I am currently sitting in hospital waiting.. just waiting, at least I guess I am no longer waiting for my baby to die, but I am waiting for my miscarriage to happen. No idea what this is going to be like, but I have decided it can’t be worse than what we have already been through.

I was really sick last night and this morning, truth be told I haven’t even eaten much, so it’s just stomach bile I am taking up, I want to try and eat but I just feel so sick, I am waiting for the doctor to come and prescribe me something. Seems pointless eating when I know it’s just going to come back up.

I still can not believe I am sitting in this ward again, like it doesn’t feel real, I want to think I have been in a bad car accident and in fact I am in a coma and having a terrible nightmare, but alas I am not, this is reality and this is what we face.

I speak to a sands befriender and I told her yesterday what happened, she shared she had a 14 week loss after her neonatal death. She is so honest it refreshing she ways that it’s hard, no doubt about it, and scary but it’s not as bad as labour and it’s not just a painful loss, well for her it wasn’t. It’s just the unknown.

I think I have told everyone now, I phoned no one this time I sent a generic text to everyone. It just read

Hello I went for my 16 weeks scan and pip has a very slow heart rate and measuring two weeks behind, they rescanned me this afternoon and pips heart has stopped x

I don’t have the strength this time to phone everyone.. I don’t have the strength to watch everyone morn out loss again this time. I am just looking out for me and my husband.

This was one reason why I really didn’t want to tell people this time round because I didn’t want to have to tell them it was all over again, that we once again are not taking this baby home.

However I did share our news and James and I made the agreement that we would enjoy this pregnancy no matter how long or short it was, as we didn’t want to look back and not to have enjoyed my pregnancy. I can happily say I enjoyed my 16 weeks and I have lots of silly photos and I believe that I was going to take this little one home. Because hope is all we have after loss, and without hope there is nothing.

Right now I am just struggling with the fact that medical staff are taking forever to do anything, I feel like they are prioritising their time in the wards where they can save a baby, rather than on people like me they can’t save. Which I know probably isn’t true but when all you want is some anti Sickness and painkillers and it’s been over an hour, it’s annoying.